Lost and Found - A Horse's Tale

Anger

\How could this happen? Did I do something wrong to receive such a brutal punishment? Why did God take my only source of self knowledge? My trust in God is shattered, I have always been under the impression that God protects his children from such terrible pain. I see no possible positive benefit to taking her, just a gaping black hole where Amber was.

After months of not being able to accept that Amber was gone at all, I now resort to blame. God took her from me, and in such a brutal way too. In a winter storm she somehow ended up over a barbed wire fence, through a large snow drift, down a small cliff, and into a frozen lake. She broke the ice, her body wasn't fully submerged. She either froze to death or drowned, all alone and scared.

It would be bad enough if He took her in a humane way. But no, she died without comfort or anyone to ease her passing. She was stolen too. Young, not even in her prime yet. Horses are in the height of their life at age twelve. Amber was eleven.

My fury at this thievery cannot be understated. I feel betrayed and hatred begin to hate God. He let this happen. Is it because I have Ragnar now? Am I only allowed one source of joy and steadiness? If that is the case, I know several people who have many such sources. What makes me unworthy?

My faith is tarnished. I can no longer worship or love someone who did this to me. I sit in by bed again, alone with these thoughts cascading down on me. My hands tremble with anger. I should have known better than to blindly trust anyone. Even God has turned on me and proven to be using me. He's thrown me aside like a toy that has outlived its purpose.

I catch sight of my reflection as I move on to the bathroom. I am ragged and visibly tormented. Slamming my fist into the countertop, I snarl and turn away from the reflection. My fire turns inward and burns a hole inside of me. Hatred fills the place in my heart where Amber was. I am not allowed to love any creature.

Slumping into the living room, I drop on the red leather couch, not trusting to confide in anyone what I am feeling. I am not permitted to feel happy. Maybe He will take Ragnar too, just get it over with and destroy me once and for all. I think as angry tears roll down my face. Ragnar walks up on his clumsy puppy legs and curls up next to me. He tries to walk up the couch and falls on his back.

I come to his aid and lift him onto my chest, laying flat so my gaze is on the ceiling. Ragnar calms down and starts to drift off. I stroke him in long, slow motions. I have stopped singing to him since Amber was taken. The impulse to sing him to sleep brings another wave of fury toward God.

All I ever did was love you. Even when you let self-centered men close down my school, when I had to build my life twice after that, and all the hardships before then. But this, this is unforgivable. I think, and I lose my faith. I no longer believe in the God they talk about at church. He has taken everything from me. I refuse to believe He even exists.

Only cruelly beautiful nature and science is real. Statistics and proven facts. Everything is gone. I see no point in holding onto believing in an all powerful being. I throw everything I know away with the loss of Amber. Hatred is the only emotion I can feel. All else has been ripped from me.