Raining

dark raining

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Dark.

Raining.

As I drive home, with the rain pounding, windshield wipers swiping ferociously at the waterfall on the windshield, I recall the memories. Her face. Her eyes. Her happiness.

Her tears.

I don't recall this look. The look that makes every part of you feel remorse. I remember the day we started talking. How she was so alike to me. How she made me smile. How did I know that I would end up loving her? Easy. I always have. Always cared about her, even if I never conversed with her. I just never knew it. I always looked at her as the quiet girl in the corner with no friends. The one that had no one. The one that needed help. And in fact, that help was me. September of last year, we began to talk. And the colors of her life were unfurled to me like a painter with unlimited dye. I understood. I felt her pain. I felt every temptation, heartbreak, rejection, abandonment. She knew what it was like to struggle.

One fall evening, I took her on a walk. About a mile or so of walking, we lay down on the grass. The stars were beautiful that night. She kept talking about her life, and pouring her heart out to me. And I listened. I listened intently. More than I ever have in any classroom. Then she stopped. She looked into my eyes. She asked why she knows nothing about me, that I've told her nothing, yet she feels like she's trusted me more than anyone she has ever met before. Because I listened. I listened to her every word, and she could tell. She knew I was feeling everything she was. It felt as if our mind and heart were connected. Every brain wave, every heartbeat, in sync. This day. This day I realized. She's the one. No one in my entire life could have brought me this feeling. It was happiness, sorrow, pain, joy, all in one. That's how I knew. She brings out the best in me.

After she said that, she explained something that made my heart twist in a hundred knots; The same thing that has been going through my head since the day I started talking to her. She said she has never felt like this with anyone.

She looks at me. The twilight barely illuminating her face. But it was beautiful. Oh my, she is beautiful. Beautiful beyond compare. No. Not hot. Not sexy. Beautiful. Calling someone hot is an observation of the physical looks. Beautiful is everything about that person. Everything about her makes her look like she's glowing in the moonlight. We're very close now. Noses almost touching. She leans in and my heart nearly exploded. The most amazing kiss I have ever felt. It makes me want to protect her. Do anything to keep her with me. Keep her from all the evil things in the world. We pull away, and I stare into those beautiful innocent blue eyes of hers. A minute or two feels like an eternity as we stare at each other, and finally she mouths the word, as if she is unable to speak it; "I love you." These words hit me like a brick wall. I am unable to speak. Just to smile. We stand up, and I pull her in the warmest embrace, and kiss the top of her head to let her know I am here. And I always will be here for her.

Here I am a little over a year later. In my car. Driving. Alone. Absolutely torn. I know I screwed up. Not even ten minutes ago, we were in love. The deepest love I have ever felt. The warmest embrace I have ever felt. And now I feel the cold. The cold of death. The death of something very beautiful. She is still back there. Tears in her face.