The last time

"Is it worth all this?"

It was dark. The street light had turned on a while ago, but Jihoon was still laying in his bed without lights. He was staring at the roof of his dark room.

"Should I do it?"

Slowly he moved his forearm to cover his eyes. He didn't want to see anything. He wanted everything to be dark. He didn't have the will to move any other part of his body. It was like he had been nailed to that bed and there was no escape.

"How should I do it?"

The room was silent. Jihoon could clearly hear how his heart was beating. He knew nothing that caused a more anxious feeling than that. It was like his heart knew that. It was like it started bounding harder and harder whenever he wished for it to stop.

"Does it hurt as much as this?"

Jihoon had been staying in his bed for hours. The hours could quickly turn into days, which turned into weeks. He simply didn't have the energy to do anything. Everything made him feel like the world would end. Everything hurt him. He only had that one person, but he couldn't trust him. He wanted to, he really did, but the person just made it so difficult. Jihoon collected all of his energy and turned to face the wall. His face was emotionless, like stone.

The silent sound of his neighbors yelling on the other side of the wall broke his silence. Jihoon covered his ears and held back his own tears.

"Nothing hurts as much as this."

Why did it have to happen to him? Why out of all the people he had met did it have to be him. He was the reason why Jihoon was like this. He had not always been like this. This pain had become a part of his life after he had found him. After he had said those three words for the first time.

"I love you."

Jihoon shifted his hand, which was under him. He whined in pain and rubbed the bruise that was covering his bicep. It hurt. It had hurt that time and it still did. He never cared to think about the pain he might have caused. Jihoon loved him too much to say anything. Only after everything had happened he apologized and that was it. The problem disappeared like it had been nothing in the first place. It was painful for Jihoon to tolerate it. He wanted to forgive him every time. He wanted to believe that everything would get better, but it never did.

The neighbors stopped. It was quiet again. Only Jihoon with his thoughts and the sound of his heart beating faster than it should. A tear fell on his cheek. There was no sobbing. Only silent tears that kept on making his cheeks wet. He could only cry when he was alone. It made him feel weak and vulnerable.

"I don't want this anymore."

The more Jihoon kept thinking, the more he felt like ending everything would be the right solution. What did he have to loose? His parents had thrown him out, he was the only child and he was sure that even he hated him. He called it love, but Jihoon wasn't sure anymore. He had been hurting for years. He didn't want to suffer like this.