Against My Will

I couldn’t take it much longer, first my dad, now her…well I guess you could say my dad’s gone, just not in the same way as my poor mother, daddy left because he couldn’t take all the medical expenses for momma’s surgery’s and chemo much longer, plus he couldn’t stand to see her like this anymore, so he packed up and bolted the first chance he got, I want to be mad at him but I simply can’t, nor was it justified.

I was living on my own now, I was broke, alone, depressed, and confused, keeping up with the bills, trying to figure out what to do with my life, my moms gone, my dad’s gone, I haven’t heard from my brother since my moms cancer had first appeared about 4 years ago and I haven’t seen or heard from my oldest brother since I was 6, so I really was on my own.

I got home and stood in the doorway, gathering all the memories into my head, I can’t control the madness going on inisde of my brain, memories, so many memories, happy , bubbly, giggly memories from when I was a child, my brother spinning me around, always trying to get me in trouble, my mom playing with my hair before we went out somewhere fancy, my parents kissing each other and me and my brother who were only kids were disgusted, not knowing what love was.

Then things changed, my brother got a drug addicted girlfriend, he became hooked himself, then a couple weeks later our momma was diagnosed and he didn’t seem to give a care in the world, not even bothering to play with me anymore, he was only 4 years older than me but he was now willing to do anything to get his next fix for him and that tramp he calls his lover, but I don’t really care, he has his own life now, he’s a grown up, 20 years old wasting his life away, his mother dies, and he doesn’t even care, his fathers gone, and his sister is all alone, doesn’t bother him so it doesn’t bother me.

“It’s going to be a long rest of my life” I sigh as I head towards the couch, plopped myself down and turned on the tv, flipping through the channels trying to settle some happy things into my mind, I was fast asleep in only minutes, I knew the worse was just to come, I just knew it.