Lost Thoughts

always

                  

People usually hate you because you have something they want, or you are someone they want to be, or simply because they have their own insecurities. Throughout five months of being engaged and the past 6 months of being married, I could never figure out what exactly is it that my husband's family hate me for.

They didn't want to take any part in helping me with the wedding. Well, as far as I was concerned. They did plan everything from the food to the hotel were the wedding was being help to the flowers. Everything that'd present them and their image, they took care of. I didn't have choice in anything, except when it came to my wedding dress. They did however, send someone to check whether the dress I chose and the makeup and hair look were "appropriate" or not. Which in other words meant, would it damage our image?

Every time I brought up this issue to my husband, he'd tell me that I have nothing to worry about. He'd say that they've always taken their time to warm up to "strangers". I decided to stop complaining, I do not want to ruin their relationship and break a family.

We were getting ready to attend one of their family reunions again. They held one every week or so, in all of which I ended up sitting in a corner, alone, no matter how much I tried to make conversation with every member of his family throughout the night.

This's become an issue that only bothers me more and more each day. I feel like I'll be breaking down soon and i pray to God that it'll be in the safety of our house and in my husband's arms rather than in front of his family.

I tend to look more stylish and put more effort into my appearance during those family reunions, I cannot have them hate on me because of my appearance too, now.

Danyaal wrapped his arms around me once we stood at his parents' doorstep, "Whatever happens, you've always got me" he whispered the words into my ears, this has become our routine every time we stand here and wait for someone to let us in. I looked up at him with a smile, and interlaced our fingers. He knew that I've never been good with Thank you's and this has somehow become our secret code.

His mother opened the door greeted her son by dragging him into the house and dragging me with him, she hugged him while I closed the door, somehow in that short period of time more of his family member have joined his mother and they all started pulling him to the direction of the kitchen. His family was very loud, which is something I still haven't gotten used to it but the second they all disappeared into the kitchen so did their loudness. 

I stood there awkwardly, then headed to the sitting room that was almost empty except for the few kids that were playing on the ground with their toys. Maybe if his family liked me, those kids would trying to make me join their game. Or maybe I'd be with the rest of his family in the kitchen.

"There you are!" Danyaal walked into the room with a huge smile on his face, that smile made me forget about his family's hatred towards me for a second. "Here I am", Danyaal walked to the sofa I was sitting on and sat next to me. Soon enough we were wrapped up in each other's arms. "I missed you" I mumbled against his neck. "I was just in the other room, literally a wall away" with that being said, I just held him tighter. He's truly clueless, he has absolutely no idea how much he means to me.

I hadn't even gotten enough of him, when his sister walked into the room. "Mom's asking for you, what are you doing here?" If anyone had seen the look on her face without hearing her words they'd think that she just caught her brother committing some sort of a crime. Danyaal stood up, making me stand up with him. "Hey Zena, is there anything I could help you with?", Zena pulled her brother by his arm and left the room, but of course not before passing me one of her usual death glares.

Instead of just sitting back down, I decided to join the family in the kitchen. The second I walked in, the loud kitchen became so silent you could hear a pin drop. "Do you need something?" my mother in law asked. "No, I just wanted to help you with preparing dinner" I tried to sound as kindly as possible and look as respectful as possible, but apparently that was enough. Nothing is enough when it comes to this family. "I don't need your help with that, you can go back to wherever you came from" this was the harshest she's ever been to me, well directly at that. "Mom!" Danyaal's voice rose, which is something I've never liked, nothing good comes out of shouting. "What? I told you to never bring this foreigner into my house! Why couldn't you be like your brothers and cousins and marry someone from your own country?" She spoke in arabic thinking that I wouldn't understand, but obviously his family hasn't taken the time of their day to learn anything about me.

I never knew that this family's problem with me was the fact that I was a foreigner, anything but that has crossed my mind. Danyaal was never the one to care about other people's nationality which made me assume that he'd gotten that from his family. How stupid of me, God, I cannot believe that this this actually happening.

"I'm done here" with that being said, Danyaal held my hand, interlacing our fingers and led me out of the house.

The car ride was probably the most silent part of our night. We usually have some music playing and are talking, whether it's about our day, our future or just the thoughts we've been having lately. We were definitely the type of couple that spoke a lot. Danyaal held my hand in a soft grip with the occasional squeezing here and there.

"C'mon, babe" somehow, we've made it home and Danyaal had open the car door for me and I hadn't even noticed. Had I been that deep in thought?

He wrapped his arm around me and led me to the elevator. Once we were in, I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed out of frustration. I didn't even notice that I was crying and Danyaal started cursing and picked me up in his arms. I've never felt this numb, the emotions that I've kept in for the past almost 12 months were all attacking me at once.

Once we were sitting in the safety of our home, with me still in his arms, I finally succeeded at controlling my feelings. I stood up from sitting on his lap and sat next to him. We've probably been sitting here for a while, his legs are numb by now.

"That's all it was about all along? Why didn't you tell me?" I shook my head frantically, "I can't anymore, I just can't" tears welled up in my eyes again, and soon enough I lost control again.

"shh, you've got me, remember? You've always got me, always"

We eventually ended up in our bed, in each other's arms.