Doctor's Orders

Dinner with the Vagina Goddess

"Wait a second..." Confused, dark blue eyes look back and forth between me and Justin. At our clasped hands. "Are you two serious? That's quite a surprise! Were you talking about Justin that whole time, Aspen?"

My face is scorching hot. I know it must be an alarming shade of red, and I still want nothing more than to melt into the floor and disappear. But I hold my own, clear my throat, and try to maintain a little dignity.

Justin spares me by cockily replying, "What other guy would be so perfect?" His voice is teasing and indignant, and Dr. Mallette-Bieber gives him a chastising look.

"Well she never said you were modest," she points out frankly, as if that realization makes sense out of everything else. It would be kind of funny if I weren't on the verge of hyperventilating.

Slow, deep breaths, Aspen. Passing out and banging my head on her desk would be the icing on the cake of awkwardness right now.

"Hey! I'm modest." Justin's eyes move from her to me, and he pretends to be offended. The light humor he's brought into the room makes me feel a little better, but I remain anxious. He still has his arm across my shoulders, his thumb brushing my skin reassuringly.

"This is just lovely," Dr. Mallette-Bieber goes on warmly, ignoring her son, and I suspect she may be trying to loosen me up. Thank God she's merciful. "How long have you two been dating? Justin, why haven't told me all about Aspen yet?"

"We just became official last week."

"Last week?" Blue eyes turn to me, chagrinned. I know what she's thinking – she's remembering how I revealed that I've already molested her son's peen. Only a week and I've already seduced her innocent baby boy.

But we wore a condom! I want to shout. Doesn't that earn me any sort of praise?

Oh yeah, of course it doesn't. She wants grandchildren.

But I have to give her credit – she composes herself quite quickly, her smile returning as though it had never disappeared. Justin clears his throat and says, "Yeah, Mom. But we've been dating for a few months and I really like her." He gives my shoulder a little squeeze to emphasize his point.

Oh, thank you Jesus. I could kiss Justin right now, both for the sweet complement and the save. But I won't, because I'm still too terrified to speak, let alone maul Dr. Mallette-Bieber's son right in front of her.

"Well that's wonderful," Dr. Mallette-Bieber says, beaming again. "Do you still need to leave, Aspen? I'd love it if you joined us for lunch. How awkward you must have felt earlier! Did you even know I was his mother?" She laughs heartily as she sits down, and at her easygoing demeanor I can feel my anxiety slowly melting away. Maybe she understands. Maybe everything will be alright after all.

"Um, no...I didn't, actually," I say, chuckling nervously.

"It's the Dr. Mallette thing, right?" She rolls her eyes. "Such a pain, I know. I usually just go by my maiden name, though some people call me Dr. Bieber. Especially those who know Jeremy or Justin," she says, and I assume Jeremy must be her husband. "Have a seat, Aspen, please. Do you like turkey and ham sandwiches? You can have half my lunch."

"She can have mine, Mom," Justin offers as we both sit.

"Are you sure, honey?"

"I'm positive."

She begins digging through the bag of food, still talking animatedly about the woes of a hyphenated last name. I just smile and nod dumbly as I try to wrap my head around everything that's happened.

Justin rubs my thigh with his hand, then leans over and whispers, "I told you it would be okay." It does appear that way, judging by Dr. Mallette-Bieber's ever-broadening smile, so maybe I was being just a tad bit dramatic before. It never hurts to be prepared, however.