I gave up.
Not from the lack of motivation, nor my friends, family, or something that was said.
I just felt like it was time to give up.
These feelings come in waves, and today I feel like I'm drowning. Today I feel like drowning. I've been told I should distract myself, and I should draw, sing, dance, write or something other than listening to my thoughts. I wish my thoughts had a curfew, or I wish I had the willpower to not listen to my demons.
My hair looked golden in the sun as I looked myself up and down in the mirror. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed in my 'outfit of the day'. But then the usual photoshoot commenced, with the help of Charlie... We've been dating now for almost 2 years, and I'll say he's helped me with a lot of shit. Sure, we've had ups and downs, but over silly, little things. If I was made of glass - I would be long gone.
The day consisted of the usual, going out for coffee, visiting our small but full town, then another photoshoot. It's hard to upkeep an instagram that looks and feels good to own. But I love it as well, I guess its a hobby of mine. However, over the last 6-ish months, things have been different. It's been slower and I've felt like a lot of weight has been on my shoulders, even though there is none. But life goes on, right?
"Liv, do you know where my black polaroid is?"
Charlie shouted from the other room, I was too lost in my thoughts to hear him. The winter sun was beaming through the blinds perfectly onto my white bedsheets.
"Elivra! Where the fuck is it!?"
"It's your flipping camera!"
I shouted back, angrily.
Broken out of my trance, I trudged into the kitchen and made a hot chocolate to give my mind something to focus on. Charlie found his polaroid and went for a walk, which I was delighted to hear. It would give me enough time to snap out of this depressive state. But of course I can't just snap out of it. That's not how it works. I decided to have a bath, because I had some bath salts and Yankee candles as a gift from a friend for Christmas and I would love to use them. I closed the blind, dimmed lights, lit candles and made a lovely smelling bath. After all, a girl deserves some down time once in a while.
The Saturday evening flew by as I lay in the bathtub, watching bubbles pop and candles flicker; from side to side to side to side. The sweet smell of blossom and cherries filled the bathroom and I felt totally relaxed, for the first time in months. Of course, today had been an easy day - but I bottled all my anxiety and harsh thoughts in, until I let it all go tonight.
I heard Charlie come home and I thought I best get out. As I was about to pull the plug I felt breathing on my neck. Charlie reached over and turned the hot tap on and sunk into the bath with me.
"I'm sorry I got all stressed out earlier."
"Don't be sorry."
"I love you, I really do"
"I love you more"
He squeezed me tightly and we lay there for hours, in each others arms, in the bathtub.
