Journal of Uncertainties

Water.

Humans need water in their life. The brain and heart are composed of 73% water, and the lungs alone are made up of about 83% water. The skin contains 64% water, muscles and kidneys are 79%, and even the bones are made up of 31% water.
So do i. I'm still a human, afterall.
But in my case, i love the water more than my body need them.
There's something within the water that I can't get over the fields.
The sense of control. Freedom. Peaceness.
The chill that streams through my veins when i float among the water.
Ah, the thought of it alone already excites me.
The water always make me feel... Slightly numb. Weightless. Happy.
And for once i could have a moment of peace with the voices in my head, i thought silently as my eye roams the swimming pool.
Before i carry on further, i'd like to ask you something. What comes into your mind when you hear the word, water? With great depths?
Is it peaceness that came cross? Or emptiness? Or... I smelled a little bit of fear creeping into your head. Why? Dear, are you afraid of death? Are you afraid of drowning yourself to... death?
Today is the second day of the second month of 2016. Something happened in this date one year ago.
The day where my soul fell in love with water.
I have no idea at swimming. One year ago, I can't even floats. I'd always sink down, like when you carry a goddamn heavy stone from the mountains right into a sea and dropped it. It would sank, of course.
My sister asked me to swim. It could take off your griefs for good! she said, trying to persuade me to swim. It's not like i can say no. So i hung down the phone with wires that felts snizzling like a snare to my soul.(Ahem, references.)
I arrived there two hour(s) later. Her home was actually near, but the traffic jams here in Jakarta? They're as slow as my internet connection bandwith transport rate. Okay, fuck this. Back to the main topic. Water.
The pool look calm from the upside view. I thought to myself, maybe this could be beautiful. Maybe.
Turns out i changed my clothes two times faster than she did. She have to take care of a hella lot things, creams, sprays(?), and stuff.
The pool looked peaceful.
My eyes spotted the stairs. Gotta use this carefully.
I climbed down the stairs, the first step of the stairs drown my ankle. The next are knee level. And the last one reached my stomach.
That's when i realize that the bottom of the pool is way more far than the end of the stairs.
I didn't let go of my grip. Still, i closed my eyes. The water is whispering something to me, let go of your hands.
But i shake gently. My mind drifts, once again, somewhere.
A sound of piano. Ah, looks like the live concert of Moonlight Sonata that I watched on repeat on my way here stayed, eh?
I climbed up the stairs to the knee level. I took a deep breathe.
And i jumped backwards.
My body crashed through the waves as i could feel the lack of control flowing through my veins. The lights are dimmer. My lungs are literally made up of water now, i thought to myself.
I could feel a warm water flow escaped through my eyes. This can't be the chlorine. Must be the tears. I hope silently as my lungs hurts like hell and my mouth goes on a constant grasping for oxygen. My brains felt like it's going to give up at any minutes now.
I stopped on kicking and fighting as I thought this is what i wanted at the first place. And also my whole muscle starts to give up and gave me jolts of pain instead.
Everything starts to look dim, as dim as the old, rusty, lights in the night.
That's when i felt two hands on my waist.
Are you an angel? I thought to myself before i go on fully blackened out.
----------------------------------------------
Until this day, i still swim in the pool. Now, since I got enough foundation to swim, it's my time to admire the water so i could feel it literally pushed my veins.
If she didn't pulled you, you wouldn't have fall in love with water at the first place.
These thoughts sometimes crossed my mind, still. Until now.
But i have to keep on swimming. And floating, but this time, with not my life on the edge.