It's just me

Chapter 5

Home, sweet home... At least that's what mostly people say when they get back to their place, but I didn't. Dad looked so worried. I knew that he wanted to ask so many questions and expected me to talk. But the thing was how could I explain that the reason my sister and mother are dead was because of my stupidy? Or how had I suevived so many years and didn't come home? Well, one thing was obvious for sure. None of us was ready to talk about any of it.

" - Honey, do you want something to eat? There isn't much food in the fridge, but the local shop is still working, so if you want something just tell me." - said he so quietly that I barely heard what the question was.

" - No Dad, I'm fine. " - I murmured.

" -Is everything okay , sweetheart? You look so sad? Is it that bad that you're home? Please , if there is anything I can help you with, just notify me."

" - I will. " - said I sharply.

Being again in my room felt really weird. Everything was in it's place how I have left it. Only my dolls were picked up from the floor. I must redecorate. So I went downstairs to get a big bag , so I could put all of my dolls and other 8-year-old-girl's stuff in it. But then what? I had no idea what I liked. Which my favourite band, book or movie was. Even what was actual among the teenagers was a mystery for me. And then on the cupboard next to my bed I saw a picture of our family from one summer in Europe. All the memories blew up in my mind, how happy we were, how positive I looked at things back then. I couldn't keep the tears coming from my eyes. I started crying and what is more, I started shouting and I went into a hysteria. God it was all my fault! I remembered how angry I was at them and how I thought myself that I hate them. All those thoughts made me shout even more.

Dad came into my room and he panicked. I could see it , he was like an open book to me. He crouched next to me and tried to comfort me, but I was so mad at myself that I pushed him with all the strenght I had and went to the bathroom and locked the door. I didn't want all of this to happen, but my impulse was stronger than me. For the next 3 days I didn't get out. Didn't eat, didn't talk to dad. I just wanted my old life back. Whenever I tried to think about something else the appearance of Emily and Mum appeared in front of me. I was simply going crazy. They were everywhere, blaming me for their death.

In my opinion, if I just put an end of everything , life would be easier. The guilt wouldn't chase me everywhere and break me into small pieces. So one night I thought I was ready to do it. It was after midnight when I checked on Dad. He was deeply asleep, so he wouldn't hear anything. But still I didn't know how I'd do it. The first thing on my mind was with a knife and I was out of options so that was the choice. I went to my room, sat on the carpet and made a cut in my hand. God , all the pain felt like I was going through hell. One more... The pain was growing with every second. I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything turned black and I passed out.

When I woke up I wasn't at home or a hospital. Was this how heaven supposed to look like? Then I saw my father's face. He looked terrible.. The shock in his eyes got even bigger when I opened my eyes.

"-Where am I?" - I asked half awake.

"-I'm so sorry, my princess, but I'm worried about you. You're safe here and there is no danger. Everything's going to be okay , people seem really nice and they will take good care of you." - answered he while trying to smile.

"-Hello, Malia. - said the doctor next to him, who I didn't notice. You are in the mental health facility "Eichen House". I'm Doctor Johnson and I'll make sure you feel good here."

"-Is this some kind of a joke? I'm not crazy! My place isn't here! - I shouted at him. Let me go home now! "

"-Soon, baby. I'll come to see you after work everyday. You won't be alone." - said Dad with a smooth tone.

"-As you say, leave me alone now, I don't want to see anyone." - said I irritated.