Darkness

Chap1

ALLISONS POV
12 years before:
"You are a disgrace to my family, leave us alone you bitch"my 16 years old brother shouted on my face. He slammed the door on my face. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, i fucking hate all of you" i shouted on top of my lungs. I know i will get "punish"for saying this but i could care less right now.
I hate myself I hate everyone it's just very hard to see other people happy and laughing with their families.whenever I see some family laughing together it cuts me,all I ever wanted was a happy family is that much to ask, I don't think so. I am just fucked up,my mom always chooses my other 3 siblings over me it's very hard for me to watch them get all the love. This year I just stop believing in love because it's not you need to live all you need is money. My dad is my everything, I love him to bits but I think he doesn't love me he is always busy I always try to be good in front of him but I just can't do it it's not easy. I hate myself,when he is disappointed with me I just hate it I think he will also chose my other 3 perfect siblings over me. I opened my side table and took out a blade. I started cutting my hand, this shit never works but this is my escape from them. I will rather rot in hell then watch them get loved. No one loves me I feel so useless.I think if I die there will be no change in their life.My dad is so emotion less that I think he won't even care my mom I bet she will be happy because once,NO,not once more than hundred times she said that she hates me if I die she will be happy I hate my self I am so ugly I am so fat everyone hates me. This façade is not easy, making other think that their words don't hurt me but they fucking do,I hate it. My hearts shatters into pieces but I just can't do a thing. Watching my friends, happy with their families makes me want to be someone else.I just try to be selfish so that no one an see through me. I don't like when others pity me.I don't want people to know my weakness and think I am worthless,even though i am worthless.I always like wrong people,my siblings despise me they all wish that I die I swear I am trying my best to die but it's not happening I don't know why. I just don't get it, what God has in his mind for me.I am starting to get weak. All the girls at my school are so pretty and I am so ugly I try to look pretty but I know I will never be pretty enough . My family thinks I am the most disrespectful girl of their family and I think they will be a perfect family without me,because my mom herself said that she always wanted one daughter and two sons.My birth is a mistake. I want to be alone free from everyone I don't want them I just want them to be happy.fake smiles are starting to disappear I can't do this anymore it's not easy,it's getting difficult day by day I just don't feel like living I really don't,it just doesn't feel right. I don't get anything it's breaking me and I can't let my walls down its not easy I can't show them who i really am. I fucking don't know who I am. I am a girl with perfect life in front of my friends but that's not me I don't know who I am it's killing me I want to know who I am.This girl can not be me this is not me. This girl is like this because of her parents and friends,no this can not be me I can't accept it. I hope I die.I really don't like to keep hope because i know its the first step towards disappointment, and it can crush you more. I cut my hand till the point my hands starts to bleed like crazy.The last thing i remember before fainting is DARKNESS.
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Here you go!
WARNING: this book deals with depression and self harm. Read it at your own risk.
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Bye amigos,
Bella❄️