I had been lost for 3 years and didn't even realize it. I had stopped doing all the things I loved and that made me who I was. When I was little my mom used to buy me tons of journals. I used to write in them daily for they were a release to me. I could write anything and everything I was thinking without being judged. Another thing I would do is sing all the time but I no longer did that either. I didn't do much of anything after I was diagnosed with depression. I was diagnosed at 12 years old and it took me until I was 15 to come out of it and find things that made me happy. No amount of medication or therapy ever made me happy and why? Because we're only as happy as we trick ourselves into believing. If we don't tell ourselves we are happy and we don't do things that make us happy then we will never be happy. I discovered this because recently I started forcing myself into doing things I love again such as writing and singing. I also discovered something new tonight that made me happy. Adrenaline rushes which is crazy but this is how it went. I went on a date with my best friend Ryan we went to the movies and afterwards he asked me if I wanted to go for a drive and of course I agreed. He's known me my whole life which means he also knows some of my biggest fears which are driving fast, heights and cliche as it might sound falling in love. Tonight he made me face all 3 fears at once. I got into the car and he made me kiss him which he knew I didn't want to in fear i would feel something for him and sure enough I did. When I kissed him time stood still and for a few moments everything was perfect. Of course I didn't tell him this I just laughed and called Him a dork. Then we fastened our seatbelts and we drove for about a quarter mile. He then started speeding up right before we were too pass the bridge. Right as we crossed the bridge I screamed so loud I think the entire city heard me. Here I was in the car falling in love with someone while we're going over 100 miles an hour . I honestly didn't think I would make it. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it could beat right out of my chest and my entire life was flashing before my eyes as we zipped over the bridge then suddenly I looked at Ryan grabbed his hand and I no longer felt scared but secure even though we could have died right then and their . Finally we came to an abrupt stop and we laughed so hard were both in tears but not sad tears they were happy tears. This was the happiest I felt in awhile maybe it was the adrenaline rush or maybe it was because I finally found someone who craved adventure and danger just as much as I did. On the way home it was pretty much silent so many thoughts were going through my head and I was deciding whether or not to tell Ryan how I felt. I wanted to tell him because I was sure he felt the same way as well. He had begged me to go out with him for years but I always refused because he was my best friend and i didn't want to ruin the bond we had. I don't know if Ryan could tell something was on my mind ( he usually could) but he pulled over on the side of the freeway and before I could even ask him why he unbuckled and started kissing the crap out of me don't get me wrong I liked it especially because he was such a passionate kisser but I could barely breathe. He was kissing my neck as I was breathing heavily and out of no where I said Ryan please go out with me. He looked at me in shock and I looked at him with shock! Had I really just said that? That was so unusual
I never asked a guy out in my life. I had always been the girl that kept her feelings to herself. Anyway there was a tear in his eye and all he said was "I thought you'd never ask" . We kissed again and minute by minute we were wearing less and less clothes. It was nice to feel his skin on mine and his hot breath on my neck like so long ago. I was lost and finally found myself with the person I never thought I would end up with
