When the world hits you

I drag my nail against my arm imagining my nail as a knife. I imagine myself smiling as the knife cuts through my skin. Where shall I cut? Maybe on my thigh like a friend of mine. Maybe on my arm and I'll just wear long sleeves. I imagine coming in excited to school. I'm the happiest I've ever been for the pain went away with the slit in where ever I choose to cut myself. I hid it though nobody can share my happiness they will never understand. It took so long for me to get here for me to admit it. I'm suicidal and it's okay. What's wrong with a knife as a friend kissing your wrists. What's wrong with tears leaking out. What's wrong if my knife friend is the only thing that gives me pleasure. I'm still human. I hide it until a friend finds my arm. They rip the sleeves up to find I've had whole nights to the knife. The counciling then begins. The councilor doesn't get me. They don't understand my relationship with the knife. The knife is taken away like a child from its home. I cry every night to the loss of my knife. Oh how I miss him. Then I find a new friend that keeps me happy all day long. I call him pill. I take the pill once a day, it takes me to a magical place. Pill has a friend I like him too. Pill and weed. We all go on adventures around the world with out even leaving my room. My councilor has stopped caring for me. I have found a new councilor. Pill stalls him a lord. He is the lord over all of the pills and weed. He tells me these friends take my mind off my enemy. Me. But all these pills and weed make me feel different. When I smoke a cigarette in public people turn their heads. But none of them understand. One night my lord took me to a place where everyone danced. Every part of them vulnerable and out in the open. They all danced as if they were in their rooms. I danced as if I was swimming in my childhood. My body was free and nobody judged it like they did in grade school. Nobody abuses my body. Nobody even took a second glance. They either didn't care or we were to high. The with a single noise my life fell apart.sirens blared and people scattered. They then tried to cover the bodies their confidence lost. I was the only one who stood naked in the middle of the running crowd as the police came to arrest me. I spent the next night in prison. They called it a holding cell, I called it hell. They had called my father. He like always didn't have any emotion in his face. I was then on detox. I would see the people from the party dancing in my room and they would slowly turn into bugs crawling on me as I screamed for help. A wave of water would come in and carry the bugs far away. I'm then surrounded by my fathers embrace both of us in tears. The hot sand touched my feet. My father loved me after all I did. I felt as though I had killed my mother. All my problems would drive her to work and work. Little did I know me and her were the same. Till one night when I came home from my couciling to see my mother flying  a rope helping her. I fell and cried into my knees. I looked at my mothers feet and asked her why she didn't wait for me. We could have done it together. But then father would be in worse shape. Me and father cried until there was a puddle on the wooden floor. Everything was gone. It was just my dad and me. What happens next I didn't know by I wanted to live in that moment forever. Father guided me to be caring. I throw aside my selfishness and joined the army. I waved my home goodbye as I entered a foreign land. I carried a gun and walked for months. When we finally went to the battle field I shot at men and women fighting. We were the same taking our pain and beliefs out on people who had families and children. Some might call me a coward some might call me wise but no matter what they call me I ran. I ran for the parents I had killed. I pictured myself running to their children. Rain came pouring down. It hide my tears. I fell in the mud and closed my eyes. The next morning a man had picked me up brought me to his house. It was like I was an old friend. I had probably murdered his friends, family. He treated me with such kindness that I knew then that I was the enemy not him. There was a small girl who looked just like him. They treated me as family and I stayed till the war was over. I was glad that both sides made terms but at the cost of many lives. Me the Man, and the girl went back to my country. My father welcomed them with opened arms. The man showed me a whole new world. I no longer wanted someone to shoot me on a battle field. Knifes became just utensils. Drugs and weed became illegal to me. My scars were that scars that grew with me. The man and me joined our souls together. We were truly family now. I treated the little girl as my own. A life formed within me, a boy. Him and the girl became the best of friends.  They grew up. I'd like to say I saw them grow up. That I grew old with the man. I want to say I saw my grandchildren and touched their fare skin. At the age of 34 I was diagnosed with cancer. As my daughter brushed through my hair it would fall into her hands. She would cry and I would hold her. We all believed I would be a miracle that I would survive, I wish this story was that happy. I undressed in front of the mirror , my body seemed older the it was. I shook my head as tears rolled down my bare body. My husband came behind me and hugged me we sat crying in each other's embrace. I was bald, pale and my veins stood out In a crowd. I spent the next months in the hospital. I looked to my husband when I knew it was time. I held my children's hands and told them everything. I told them how I turned a nightmare into a dream come true. I looked at my daughter and son thinking that both of them could be like me. I smiled. We said a prayer and as the words amen came out of my mouth I liked into my family's eyes. "I love you" and the last words I heard was the I love you reply. I can't tell you about death because I don't remember it. The next thing I remember was light. My eyes squinted as I came into a bright cold surrounding. Someone held me. I looked around as they took me to another room. I saw my family crying in the hallway. I reached toward them and the light. The person brought me back to the room. They gave me to a women laying in bed a man beside her. They looked at me with wonder. "You've had a long journey huh little one" I looked into the eyes of my mother and then toward my father. I smiled for the first time.