Human Thoughts

Sadness and suffering

This is just thoughts that's I have when I'm at my worse (which happens a lot)

Your killing me here I hate seeing you like this. This is when I hurt the most because I want to help so badly but I can do anything I'm useless and I hate it. I hate it so much it crushes me and You talking about you hurting her and me but you continuously saying that you hurt me, hurts me. It hurts when you don't listen. You pull me in and crush me again it an every repeating cycle I feel like you message me knowing I can't help but reply and tell me all your problems like you forget how I feel. I feel like sometimes your inconsiderate of my feelings...... Why must you do this to me I can't handle it Im not as strong as you think....  Why do you insist on dying, on killing yourself.  Every time you say a little of me dies...... Your selfish..... Tho I guess I am to all I ever think about is myself. I've have problems the only difference  is you know how to fix yours and I don't know how to fix mine

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Who would want someone like me I'm damaged... I can't express things like what I'm thinking or how I feel I push people away because I'm scared.  I'm a messed up person I constantly feel empty but I'm to quick to try and fill it than I mess things up and only make that hole bigger. Will it one day swallow me whole. Will I go insane or will I just give up? Can I choose both? Can I go so deep that I give up and giving up will drive me to insanity? 

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The fact that I have no idea what I want to do. Makes me want to go back in time to when things were different, easier. I'm so tired of being the only one who thinks this way I feel so alone desperate to fill this hole in my heart. I replace it to quickly and make things worse only succeeding in make the hole bigger

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No matter how many times I tell myself that I want to tell you I hate you and make you feel the same pain I felt. I can't.  I want you to suffer like me but when I really think about I can't because deep down I still love you you always hold a special place in my heart wether we want it to or not. I want to find a reason to tell you I hate you and I never want to see you again but I can't. Because I don't know how you will take it. I don't want you to do something stupid because of it. If you did I would never forgive myself neither would she or anybody else. I would hate myself and probably fallow in your foot steps or do something worse. I hate this, I hate what this has become.  every day I wish I could go back and change it all maybe things would be different maybe you two would still be together and non of us would be feeling this way...... Maybe I should keep my distance from everybody from now on. Not talk to anyone unless it necessary only text people if they text me. I think I just need a break from people.   Separate myself before I do something I regret.

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Why do I always stop my self? I want to talk to you tell what I'm feeling, like why do I feel like when second semester starts I'll never see you again? I want to tell you these things but I don't. I always find and excuse like what if I hurt you or you hate me after. Never talk to me again, do some thing that we both would regret. What if I just make things worse, make things worse for you. So I end up not telling you. And I suffer for it.... I hate it

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Why can't I just give up on you? Just for get it never happened? Why am I the only one who looks to be suffering? I want to separate myself from life but I can't somethings keeps me from doing it. Why is it that I'm so desperate to connect? I just want to let it all out but somethings holding it in and I don't know what... I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of breaking down. Like I'm just waiting for someone to say something so I can let it out. Let everything I'm thinking out into the open no more secrets of anything

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I'm sick of hiding.... But afraid of what people might think. I'm bisexual, only four people know that.... One of them is dead, two of them don't even talk to me...... They hate me. And the fourth well it's a rocky relationship. The fourth, She pulls me in and crushes me again. I hate what's happened between all the people I've told. It sucks to have the people I trust most betray me like that. I hate it yet I want to tell more people. I want to tell people I'm bisexual and that I'm so messed I used to cut.. Slash my wrists to numb the pain in my heart I want people to know that I don't just wear bracelets as a fashion statement. I don't want lie, I want to tell the truth but I'm scared of being rejected by the ones I most care about. So I keep it in, bottle it up and put it with the rest of the stuff I keep bottled up.

The end (for now)