If Thoughts Could Kill

Do I Really ♥ Him?

        Do I love him? Well, that I'm not so sure about. I mean how can I be sure? I haven't seen him in months. I was a little obsessed with him awhile ago, but, I mean, I haven't seen him in ages. So saying I love him is a pretty big step. Especially since he already graduated. I mean, what would people think? He's probably 19 by now, and me? I'm only 16. People could get the wrong idea. I could ruin our friendship. But then again, I already tried that excuse, and I got the sad story of someone else who used that excuse. Rather than ruin his friendship, he ruined a beautiful opportunity for something more.

But still, the fact remains. I am only 16.

So, what do I do about these feelings; all this emotion? Do I ignore it? Let it build up inside? Leave it unattended? Do I move on?

I just don't know.

I can't act on this...can I? And if I do, am I wrong? He has so much potential. Wouldn't I hold him back? He's moving on with life, while I'm stuck in high school. Besides, I'd be going against what I have believed to be true for my entire life! Is that not wrong? Is that not foolish? Selfish? Just, plain stupid? Wouldn't I be fighting against my own beliefs? Wouldn't I regret it later? But what if I let all of this go? Won't I regret that even more? Will I fall into an even deeper depression than I'm already in?

Will this boy save me?
Or do I have to save myself?

Will I even be able to pursue him? Won't I just chicken out? Of course I will. I have as much will power as a limp noodle. I would say something so stupid that he would never talk to me again. It would be easy for him to cut off all ties with me. He has absolutely no obligation to keep in contact with me. He already has a girl in his life. He wants her, she doesn't him. She doesn't realize just how lucky she is. To have the sweetest, kindest, most selfless guy doting on her? What I wouldn't do to take her spot. She has such a good opportunity staring her in the face, and rather than accept it gladly, she rejects it and harshly stamps a 'friend zone' sticker all over it. If only he thought of me the way he thought of her. If only he truly cared for me the way he cared for her. I would have such a sweet life.

But still.

I feel like I'm receiving mixed signals. He has strong feelings for her, but still wants to spend time with me? Before now we never hung out off of school grounds. We never associated other than in class and just after school while I waited for a ride home. He even offered me rides home some times, but never ever did we spend time together outside of this. So is it out of character to spend time together now that he's graduated? It has been months since we've even seen each other. I just barely summed up the courage to message him. I don't even have his phone number. Just Facebook. Why does life have to be so cruel? So confusing?

Am I meant to die alone? Feeling empty and barren? When the one person that I feel completes me loves another?

Do I even know what love is?

How could I? I have been raised in a broken family. I've never seen sincere, unadulterated love in my own home. I can't even look someone straight in the eye. How would I know what love feels like. This is probably my minds way of trying to deal with my depression. Why do I have to feel so vulnerable, so alone? Will I ever find the one who can seal this hole in my heart?

I don't know.