3:56 [p.j.m.]

035

saturday may nineteenth
5:06 am

park ji min: it started in high school. i had this amazing group of friends, still are friends now even though we all went to different universities. we did everything together, we trusted each other, and when we would all be together, we thought we were invincible. bulletproof. like we could do anything.

they were all likable. they were all good looking and in shape and impeccably talented at something. and then there was me. i didn't fit in. i was average-looking, chubby, all i could do was dance. being with them brought me happiness, but it also made me so insecure. i hated them for being the way they were, but it wasn't their fault.

and so i tried to change myself to fit with them. i wore more makeup, ate rarely anything, overworked myself at the gym, and danced to the point where i'd collapse at my studio. it still wasn't enough. i wasn't pretty. i wasn't happy. mood swings began to occur consistently, but it would be a swing from sad to aggressive. i hated who i became. i was a monster.

the only thing i gained from it was popularity. i then thought it was the best thing i'd ever have in life. i was an idiot. i got to university, the same as i was when i changed. went to parties, drank too much, hooked up. i still studied, though. i had the common sense to know that in order to be successful in life, i needed to be educated and work hard in my classes.

and then you came along in my composition class. cute, happy, bubbly. i was drawn to you, but i needed to distance myself. the first time i saw you, i realized what i had become. i realized i needed to make a change. for you to notice me.

of course you didn't know me yet, and so i decided to start over. i accepted my appearance, loved it as much as i could get myself to really. my happiness returned, full on. but right when i thought i was fully recovered, i noticed that you weren't happy. the lovely, happy girl was gone. i wanted to help you. i knew what a lovely person you were and still are, and i didn't want you to experience the pain alone.

you don't deserve these thoughts you have. you never did anything to deserve this unhappiness. you deserve nothing but the best, and i think that i can give that to you.

"Will you let me be here for you? Take care of you? Make you happy?"

"Yeah."

And she drifted to sleep, cuddled against my side. I think I love this girl.

•unedited