All I can really feel right now is numbness. Whether if I did this onto myself or there's just something really wrong I really don't think matters or should care anymore. Whenever people try becoming close to me if they even have interest (which is almost never) then I end up pushing away when second thoughts are usually that I shouldn't have done so and that if I stay with them then no matter how much it costs at least I can say someone actually likes my prescience. If I end up not backing away and try to have some sort of bond or whatever, something usually goes wrong no matter how much they've done wrong to me and they know I'm deeply hurt about it. All I just wanted in the beginning before having all this bull get to me was someone to trust and know that I can have everything assured to them as well as they would to me and that was what everyone should deserve having... or so I thought. I guess that doesn't really happen to everyone despite how I have nothing to offer. What gets me is I fall for it every single time. I can be better off without others but at the same time I can never live being so alone.
For the religious perspective then all I can say is I tried to at least think maybe there is something out there and I know what I should do in life if I really want it to be worth living and actually be something that is worthwhile to live. I know about Jesus and what he's done and that he was an outcast himself and yet was still able to love. I ask to myself about it that if there was anything I was called to do then please let me do it despite the imperfections that would tell me that I can't. It doesn't seem to work. It may be nineteen years (nearly twenty) that I've been breathing and walking around on this earth but ever since I could barely walk for the first time I was told that I couldn't do it. Look where it led me. Is this supposed to tell me something? Who knows, and in the end... WHO CARES!
I know that nobody really cares on the level that they personally know me but I'm just done. I'm tired of being here even if it's my own imperfections that lead me this way. I'm tired.
