In the Apple

Chapter 13

The elevator stopped, and the doors rattled open, sticking halfway until Smithy smacked one on the side. They reluctantly finished opening, and Smithy stepped out. I remained in place; my legs didn't seem to want to go forward. My knees were trembling and my heart was pounding so hard I felt as though if I opened my mouth, it would pop right out like a frog springing up from a pond. I took a deep breath and swallowed, leaned forward and pushed the "G" button on the elevator.

Smithy held the doors open, and gripped my upper arm, gently but firmly. "Come on, now," he said in the fatherly tone. "Don't be silly. All this time I've spent with you and you still don't trust me?" He shook his head. "Shame on you!" he smiled as he said it, as though to take the sting out of the words, but still I felt guilty. I was very good at feeling guilty - I'd been doing it for as long as I could remember. I'd felt guilty for being ill, guilty for being different, guilty for not being a normal child my mother could enjoy, guilty for costing so much money in doctors and hospitals, guilty for being a sister to be ashamed of...guilt was a comfortably familiar emotion.

"It's not like I haven't got other things to do, you know," he added with a hint of exasperation. "I'm trying to help you!" Shamed, I hung my head, stepped out of the elevator, and walked behind him down the narrow hall, watching as he fished in his pocket. He pulled out a fat set of keys, stopped in front of a door, and fitted a key into the lock. The door swung open, and he gestured me in ahead of him.