Harry Potter Crack Fic

What Am I Doing

A/N: I tried doing broken English to make this funnier but the Grammar Nazi in me wouldn't allow it, I'm sorry. Also I own nothing, all belongs to JK Rowling.

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The Battle of Hogwarts had been going on for hours, but the students and the Order of The Chicken (nugget) took a lot of 5 hour energy so they're ok ig. Apparently the Death Eaters had a healthy balanced breakfast because they still had a lot of energy, too.

Harry went into the Forbidden Forest to meet up with Voldemort a while ago, and nobody knows if he's ok. They were hoping he was having a rap battle with Voldemort. Even if the thought of being 5 feet from the Dark Lord was nightmarish, it would be better than Harry being dead (like a certain half of the Weasley twins I know of lol *cries*)

All of a sudden, Voldemort appeared at the edge of the forest followed by his squad. The students and what was left of the Order raced into the Entrance Hall to meet them there. The poor kids were exhausted after fighting for hours and seeing so many of their friends die, but they were all prepared to protect their school and each other with their lives.

As Voldy got closer to the school, Hagrid was visible in the crowd of Death Eaters. The students all noticed the ropes on him, how he was being dragged, his tear streaked face, and the limp body of The Boy Who Lived in his arms.

Ginny screamed in rage and charged at the Death Eaters, but Arthur caught her before she was killed, too. Voldemort then went on to give a long boring speech that they've all heard variations of before. "I've finally killed Harry Potter! I got him, can you believe it Malfoy? Can you, Yaxley? Harry Potter is no more! And who did that? Oh yeah, it was me!" Voldemort cried out. He then excitedly did the whip and Nae Nae, but composed himself quickly. 'I'm success goals tbh', he though to himself.

Everyone was angry, shocked, and full of grief. Even Ron and Hermione seemed frozen in shock. Nobody expected Neville to be the first one to say something.

"Aye! I got something to say, you slimy fish!", he yelled. Everyone was surprised at his bravery, and they finally understood why he was put in Gryffindor. Voldemort looked amused and annoyed at Neville's insult". I was actually going for a snake look, but go ahead and talk boi, it won't bring Potter back lmao". Neville stepped further away from his friends and classmates to stand in between both crowds. He cleared his throat and started to sing.

"Some legends are told
Some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember mee
Remember me for centuries
And just one mista-"

He off key singing was interrupted by Seamus throwing a stray bottle of Butterbeer-that somehow wasn't destroyed in the battle-at Neville's head. "You suck, just give a motivational speech or something!" he exclaimed. Neville looked so done, so he just turned to the Dark Lord and said...

" YOUR MOTHER IS A @$!#&!!!", etc.

"Oh no, the Wizard Swear!", everyone shouted. Harry then jumped out of Hagrid's arms and yelled, "Hey guys, I'm not dead! We must unite so we can fight! Turn the battle around!"

Voldemort was outraged. This was supposed to be his moment, his time to shine. He thought he finally killed Harry Potter, and now they were all mocking him! This was so humiliating! He wished Quirell were there, he always made him feel better with epic duets and tap dancing routines. He was so focused on the memory of all the fun times he had with Quirell that he didn't notice the battle had started around him again. It wasn't until Harry shot every spell he knew (Alohomora, Lumos, and the classic favorite: Jelly Legs Jinx) that Voldy finally snapped out of it.

While he and Harry started a playful and friendly game of tag, Neville was going after Nagini. "You gon' die today, snake", Neville said as he did a feisty dance move. "Hiss hiss", Nagini said. Then Neville used his Herbology skills to make a poisonous cup of coffee.

"Here, you must be tired after chasing me for so long. This'll help you refuel."

"Hiss hiss hiss", Nagini said gratefully. While she was distracted with the poison coffee, Neville came up behind her and cut her head off with Percy Jackson's sword Anaklusmos (or Riptide) that he bought on eBay. As he ran into the Great Hall, he saw Voldemort's body limply fall to the ground. The battle was finally over and won.

THE END