I put the pro in procrastinate.
Etc. - End of Thinking Capacity.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
It's all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it's a new game; hide and seek.
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you're a tool.
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office. - Shirley MacLaine
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln. - Garth Brooks
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of payments. - Earl Wilson
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead. - Bill McGlashen
I'm great in bed; I can sleep for days.
Of course I'm not perfect; there's a crack in my ass!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, 'Oh crap, she's up.'
Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.
A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.
Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
"During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information."
"Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant."
"A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'" - Tommy Cooper
"I now know I'm psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time."- Wade Stokan
If you watch Home Alone backwards, it's a story about two men who are helped out of traps by a young child, who then cleans them up. Then, the child's family comes home and yells at him.
I did a few researchers to get that information. - Ellen Hasselbalch
"I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong." - Woodrow Wilson (president)
Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon.
"I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning."
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck..."
"I've realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough." - John Mayer
"If I were a bird, I'd fly straight into a ceiling fan." - Red (That 70's Show)
Most people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.
"Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don't like."
"The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams
I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off.
"If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?"
