What's in my brain

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I... Don't know, do I want to know? I want to be something, but I don't know. She's prettier, and she's smarter, and she's got all the attention. I'm tired. Tired of everything tired of this, school, home, mind, body, soul, how I'm supposed to act. I don't know! I don't want to care but I do. How do I not care? I want it to stop, but I don't. I want to go on vacation, but when I do I'm still in the same, ol' rut. I want to reinvent myself.... Ha! I can't even have a solid group of friends and I want to reinvent myself. I want and I want and I want and I want. For what? A couple days, weeks, maybe months... But it turns into nothing! I DONT KNOW! I hate being unsure, insecure, full of doubt and they all say it'll get better... But I want it better now. I don't.... I... Want all of this aching to stop. I'm in pain. So. Much. Pain. But I have to keep on smiling because they can't know right? I want to be free from everything that's in my mind, but it just won't stop! Why won't it stop? I just, I just don't know...