Beyond Words

What I've Dealt With

So it's been a while since I've written anything and I don't really have an excuse other than my imagination just..died. In the previous chapter, I was talking about my dreams and what I'm going to do with my life. However, I'm only just 14 and people say that your dreams change as you grow up and find what you like. But that's not the case; yes, I've had SO many doubts about fulfilling my dream of being a WWE Diva and the main one is my weight and athleticism.

Now, most professional athletes have been active and athletic their whole lives. I haven't. I lived in Jersey City growing up, and I know live in Parsippany with my dad. In JC, I went to a private school and they really didn't have any kinds of sports teams like other schools do, but they did have dance. I took dance from since I was 4 to when I graduated and was 13. And it was only once a week, so it really didn't have an effect on me physically, like helping me become healthier. But now that I'm in high school, it's different. I played field hockey in the fall and it was really fun. I joined because some of my friends said it was fun and that's when I really started to learn to have a better diet and exercise more.

By no means was I the most athletic or in shape girl on the team, I was probably one of the worst ones to be honest. And now that it's over, I don't do a winter sport because I didn't get the forms for swimming in on time. But, I'm getting a little, teensy, tiny bit off topic here. Anyway, I met a girl named Sarah in my Italian class, and she wrestles, and her dad is the director of the program. At the beginning of the year I was talking to him about joining, but I wanted to get my weight down because, frankly, I'm embarrassed of how I look. And my friends all say "Oh, I'm so fat" and "Ew, I hate my body. I'm so ugly. No guy will ever like me" and I get annoyed. Really, they are not fat at all. And a few of them actually have guys that like them or flirt with them, yet they still call themselves fat and ugly. But me, I really know that no guy in my school or that I grew up with ever liked me. How do I know that? Because I know what people say behind my back. I was never popular, all the girls in my school were skinny and in shape, and then there's me. In 5th grade, one girl brought in pictures of us from 2nd grade. I saw myself in one of them and so did my teacher. The girl said "Rebecca, you were so cute in 2nd grade.", and dropped her voice so I wouldn't hear this next part but I did. She said, "And you weren't as fat". Do you know how much that hurt me? Well, I'll tell you, it hurt a lot. In 7th grade, my friend brought in pictures from 4th grade and my history teacher saw me in one of them, and this is what he said "Rebecca, I don't want to sound rude, but you lost the baby fat from 4th grade". And while this is not a direct insult at me, it still hurt because he said, indiscreetly, "Rebecca, you were chubby in 4th grade", and yes I was. Now, I'm not so much chubby as I am fat.

By no means am I obese, however, but I am overweight. And every single day I have to get up and look in the mirror, and I hate what I see, I really do. No one has any idea what I feel when I look at myself, or why I never go shopping with friends. I don't go shopping with my friends because I'm embarrassed of my size, I feel even larger around them. But no one really says anything to me, but I can tell what they're thinking, "Ew, she's huge". And there really isn't a person that doesn't pass by me in the hallway and think that, and I hate it. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate everything about me. And by no means is this a pity party, it's just how I've felt my whole life. And for as long as I could remember, I've always wanted to lose weight, I've always dreamed of what it would be like to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Damn Rebecca, you look good". But I've never been able to.

I've started recently trying to work out at home, but I don't like for my family to know what I feel because they would just look at me with pity, and I don't want that. So, I try to exercise in private, but let me one of the many to tell you, losing weight is not an easy thing. I'm going to California with my aunt this summer and my goal is to lose at least 50 lbs by then. That would get me down to a heathy weight and I would start to feel better about myself. And really, it does seem almost impossible to me, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to change my life. I'm going to become the person I've always wanted to be, and that is a confident, empowering young woman.