For Love's Lullaby

- Waiting for Oliver -

Friday 30th November 2012

I haven't kept a diary in years but today at the antenatal class my new friend, Leila, suggested that I should keep one. I insisted that I could never keep up to it but she told me that to just make an entry every now and again was a good idea, she said 'who says a diary needs to be in a book with dates'. She said she had been writing in a nice, little notebook since her positive pregnancy test. 

The more I thought about keeping one, the more I agreed it was a good idea. I'll be able to look back on my thoughts and feelings during pregnancy, I'll write my birth story, providing I have time, and then whenever I can during motherhood. Oh gosh, motherhood! I'm getting scared now.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant today. Yes, 37. Who's getting scared now? Oh yeah, me! I was scared anyway, not really of giving birth - it worries me but I don't think about it all the time, I feel prepared now - I mean about motherhood! It matters to me that I do it right and that I do it well. I'm so scared of doing something wrong, or dropping him.

Yes, my baby boy! I'm having a boy! Theo, my fiancé, and I are having a baby boy! We decided on the name Oliver Teegan Kendal last night. I'm glad we have decided, at long last. I was worried he'd be going on 10 years old and still wouldn't have a name. My Theo, though I love him so much, is a stubborn ape sometimes!

I thought I'd mention that I'm now sore, aching all over, exhausted and I can feel Oliver's head engaged. That means that his head is sat in my pelvis - it is a weird feeling and he's been like that for 2 and a half weeks now! I barely move around and when I do, I grimace, wishing I could yell and scream.

However, I've had an easy pregnancy. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was nearly 4 months pregnant - when my bump started forming. Looking back, I realised I had missed the signs. But I was glad I had missed so much, but then I was worried something was wrong. My scan showed everything was fine and we found out we were having a boy 3 weeks later. We were amazed.

This last trimester though... it has been long. And these last 3 weeks... exhausting. I just cannot wait for Oliver to decide it's time to come out. I know if I have to be induced I will be waiting just under 5 weeks, and that scares me!

Anyway, I've written enough for now, I'll probably rant as time goes on!

Goodnight:)