Free At Last

Pain demands to be felt , and i've felt my pain ever since i have known the meaning of the word pain. The memories which i held are very painful and unkind . Though its not possible ,i wish to erase them.

From the time i had started to analyze the things, could understand and feel all i felt and understood was saddness . With the drunkard father life has been very tough . My mother passed away when I was 5. After year or so my father got 're married . But my step mother couldn't tolerate all the torturea given by him. So she ran away after two years of her marriage. And I was left alone with my so called father . The inner monster that wakes up inside of him everytime he drinks , it wrecks my soul. It makes me so vulnerable . I am terrified and horrified with his presence in my life . But......I've nowhere to go .

After my stepmother abandoned him , he completely lost his mind . He is lost and I know he feels lonely . His heart seeks for a company . And I know he had truely loved my mother. The wild monster that is standing infront of me right now once used to be a responsible father , a loving and caring husband . Perhaps there still is trashes of humanity left in him. But it is burried so deep inside his heart even he himself cannot feel it .

Life has been hard for me ever since step mother left us. I had to quit my school and work for living . I had five jobs and yet there never was enough for anything. My father was totally engulfed by his loneliness. He became more and more drunkard day after day . My life had been completely barren and drab. It was doleful. With time the distance between us grew up. It grew up more and more as the days passed by and I felt like I was living with a stranger who once used to be my parent.

Then one night , my father came home very late. He was completely drunk as always. He , that night forced me to go to his bedroom.  And...that was the night I got molested by my father for the first time. The excruciating pain I felt at that very moment , the fear I had , the hatered that overpowered me , the suffocation I felt , I cannot express them in words . It was the most tramatizing night of my life . I was weak and pathetic . But what else could I do ?  To whom was I supposed to tell ?  The hideous truth of my life , the darkest secret of mine.... There was no one I could trust . Absolutely no one...... I was all alone by myself. That night was the starting of living hell because after that night I was raped and abused by the monster time and again.  I was the victim of his cruelness , his unkind behaviour , his inhumanity and his insanity. .......

He was the mighty conquerer and I was his slave. The savage attack made by him in me left me defenceless. Everytime his heart wanted he would abuse me. I could do nothing but live with that pain in my heart. I was mistreated.  Like vampire drinks blood , I drank my tears and lived with it.

But then one day , it was too much , just too much for me to bear. .his torture and his brutalities. One day he came home earlier than he usually did. He was a little conscious and he went to kitchen to drink some water .

He was about to turn when I took out my knife and stabbed him from the back . I stabbed him with the knife in my hand again and again. . I took out all the rage , all the hatred I had for all these years .. the pain that I felt ..the fear that I had , I let them out...all of them..My resentment at being abused , frustration that I could do nothing.. All those tortuing and tramatizing moments ..all those wounds and scars given by him ..those destructions he had done my life . I gathered all those emotions and with that courage I stabbed him again and again. His screaming , his groan , his pain ...brought an ease to my heart. When his heartbeat stopped so did my hands. I watched my hands full of blood , I watched the corpse of my dead father and I said to myslef " You Are A Murder now". My mind kept on telling that I'm a murder . But that moment all I could hear , all I could feel and all I could sense was feeling of being secured .. and then I said " FREE AT LAST....................."