January 13th
Dear journal,
Is that what I'm supposed to call you? I don't know because the only time I've seen a journal is in movies and about five minutes ago when my mom came in and gave me this... well you. She though it would solve all my problems. "If I write my thoughts and feelings down for a year it would help me." Right.
Anyway, I'm Maddie. It's really spelled with a "Y" at the end, but it looks so much more sophisticated the way I spell it. I'm 14 and can't wait to move out and be an adult. Don't we all? I look forward to the day where my family drops me off at college half way across the nation and then they get on a plane and fly back home. You know, if I live that long.
I get bullied everyday at school. Let me tell you, it's not fun. I mean nothing says that more than sitting at a lunch table when everyone leaves after you get there. I'm pretty sure it gets worse daily. I wish I could know why everyone hates me.
I hate school. I hate homework. I mean isn't it enough that we go for eight hours? Apparently not, so teachers decide to give you two (or more) hours of homework. Usually on stuff that you didn't even learn in class. I'm actually supposed to be doing homework right now.
My grades have been dropping, and I'm pretty much grounded. Again it's not my fault. I mean when you have 5 tests in one day you can't study for all of them. Well my parents think you can, but I disagree. So now no phone, no TV, no hanging out with anyone(not that I have anyone to hang out with), until I get my grades up.
I have an older and a younger sister. They're both perfect and compared to them I'm an alien. The older one, McKaley, is 17, a drop dead gorgeous 5'8 blonde with the deepest blue eyes, and the younger one, McKenna, is an adorable red head, 6 year old girl, with matching eyes like her oldest sister. I'm a 5'2 dark brunette with dark chocolate colored eyes. They are both so smart, athletic and are open books. I'm not.
I'm depressed/suicidal. Like I said earlier, I'm bullied at school. I feel like I can trust you, so I'm going to let you on my deepest secret. I cut. Usually just on my wrists. That means I pretty much only wear long sleeves to cover my scars. Lately, it's been getting harder to hide. Although I live in Alaska, so I can usually get by with it, but it's kind of an awakward moment when someone points out to you you're wearing a long sleve shirt in July. I started about 5 months ago. It really hurts at first, but you get used to it. Cutting is the only thing that gets me through a bad day. I haven't really regreted it yet, I call them "my scars of courage".
Anyway sorry for that really long rant. I feel bad for you, you're in for a long long year.
Talk to you tomorrow I guess?,
Maddie
