The Violet Hour

Chapter 4 - Fade Into You

I sat at my piano later that day, trying desperately to get Eli out of my mind. I couldn’t decide whether I should be furious with him or enthralled. He was playing a game with me, just like the unnamed voice from my nightmares. I shivered. I wasn’t going to think about that. Eli was obviously interested in me, but he was going to find out that I don’t let anyone in…and I mean anyone. His attempts were completely futile….poor kid.

I didn’t want to think about him anymore. The fact that I had dwelled so much on it in the first place infuriated me, the fact that he even began to make me feel the way I did…I was denying it. I barely knew the guy, and with my luck as soon as I began to he would find out about everything one way or another and just walk away. History helps you learn for the future, and I did not want my future to be filled with any more pain and suffering than I already had to endure.

I had tried to talk to him today…but that didn’t go so well. He had seen right through me, like I was made of glass or my very eyes were just open doors, which I highly doubted. I had spent the last three years using everything in my power to close them off. No reason this one guy should be able to fix that. I don’t care what the fairytales said about prince charming or happily ever after…it doesn’t exist. Happiness does not exist…not for me anyways. If I knew one thing in life it was that…that I am not meant to be happy.

I silently fingered the keys of my piano, wishing everything would just end already. I’d thought seriously about killing myself quite a few times…but I couldn’t put Gale through the stress Mom heaped on me. Gale loved me…and she’d be sad if I was gone. She needed someone else in this big house with her. She wasn’t safe by herself, not that I was much help but…I was a body…somewhat.

I turned around fully to face my piano, Amy. The hard ivory brushed against my fingertips, and sent chills of desire running down my spine. I felt my eyes slowly begin to close as I began to play. I softly began the intro to “River Flows through You” by Yiruma, attempting to clear my mind. I wanted to erase everything, the night mares, my mom and dad, Eli, anything that didn’t have to be there…I wanted gone. I tried to concentrate solely on the music as it rose and fell in melody.

Music was so certain. It was one of the few things in my life that was actually stable. I could always count on it to take my sorrows, melt them away, and twist them within the notes and in between the chords.     

Even as the music subjected itself within my mind I couldn’t shake the feeling that Eli was right there with me, standing behind me, listening to me play as he closed his eyes to indulge into the sounds. I could almost imagine the feeling of the warmth of his body close to mine. Was music actually failing me for once? I refused to believe it. My mind was not going to wander, I wanted to be exactly where I told it to be, where I knew it was safe…and safe was most certainly not with Eli.

It had grown dark, and I allowed myself to light the many candles I had strategically placed around my music room in order to give it an ominous glow. I always liked dark things. Well…always meaning since my parents died. Maybe that’s why I was as troubled as I was…I seemed to seek out dismal and depressing subject matters. My room wasn’t the only thing to go through such dramatic changes once my whole life was turned upside down. My taste in music grew more towards the heavy things, despite my expansive classical taste as well. My new favorite band of all time was Evanescence. I named my piano after their lead singer, Amy Lee. Her lyrics were so haunting, but so true in their own way. Relatable in a sense of darkness that I would have never been able to attain had I not experienced the trauma I had.

I pushed myself up from the piano after the last few notes faded from my fingertips. I walked over to the giant window of a wall, and stared out into the darkness. I vaguely flashed back to my nightmare, to the terrorizing darkness that screamed my name, whispered in my ear. I felt the chills return, and creep up my neck, but I couldn’t bring myself to look away. In an odd sense the darkness calmed me, as it frightened me to the core at the same time…I was so screwed up.