Acceptance | ✓

Chapter 11

[ETHAN]

I needed a smoke. A long one.

I felt the pocket of my jeans for the packet I brought along with me as I walked through the hotel door. I figured I wouldn't find where to buy some here.

I was slightly annoyed at Andrew, and I felt so stupid that I left the room to avoid talking to him this morning. I'd had breakfast in the lounge and was presently strolling about the streets in a pair of joggers and a sweatshirt.

Reaching a lonely path I decided to take out a stick of cigarette before lighting it up with my lighter. I stood still for a minute as I took a long drag before continuing my aimless walk.

Am I doing something wrong? I wondered to myself as my mind drifted back to Andrew. I felt my lips tremble and my eyes water at the thought of his refusal last night. Was I doing something wrong?

Maybe it had nothing to do with that. Maybe it's just me. I must be too persistent - acting too needy.

I coughed, feeling the expected tightening of my chest. I spat the stick of cigarette out my mouth before taking the light out by stomping it. I covered the stick with sand before continuing my stroll. As my coughing got worse I searched for my inhaler and brought it to my mouth for a draw.

I gasped in relief before returning the inhaler to my pocket. I looked up at the morning sky, watching the odd colors of dawn play out. The streets were quiet, and there was nobody to judge me as I continued to smoke and cough for air.

"You're going to kill yourself."

I smiled, remembering the words of my rehab counselor. She'd never seen an asthmatic smoker before and was convinced that something was mentally wrong with me to want to bring upon that pain that came with an attack on myself.

She got it all wrong. I didn't, and don't like smoking. If anything it's terrible for me, but the lingering memory of my father it seemed to stimulate made it addictive.

Maybe he found out I'm messed up. I thought, stopping in the middle of my tracks. I shook my head, continuing on my way. I was lost, but I wasn't bothered considering I could figure out where to take a bus later on.

Maybe it's the age gap? I thought again, subtracting nineteen from twenty-six. Seven years might pose a serious gap to many people, but Andrew didn't seem to mind. If that was the case I would have noticed. I didn't even see the light for the reason. I was practically an adult myself.

I discarded the thought, concluding it didn't make any sense.

Maybe I was getting frustrated over nothing. It was characteristic of Andrew to be a little shy and take hard decisions on things. I was probably just disorienting him by trying to rush him into his decision-making process.

He'll come around. I hoped, more like convinced myself. The idea of the Christopher I didn't know kept threatening things. It was when Ethel had mentioned his name in a bad light in the cabin that I noticed that Andrew sometimes unconsciously muttered the person's name.

One time he'd helped me through some coursework, and I couldn't help noticing he'd scribbled the name Christopher at the corner of my note. I stared at it oddly for the whole afternoon, and then I panicked.

I'd asked Andrew for an explanation concerning this Christopher person, but he'd either ignored more or insisted it wasn't important to know.

I shook my head realizing how stupid I'd been once. For a while, I actually thought Christopher might be the owner of the department store Andrew visited regularly in town. I'm not ashamed to admit that I sighed in relief when I was blessed with the knowledge that the man's name was actually Bob.