daydream. // jalec + malec

"the only place where he could be mine."

Dreams. A series of images, ideas, sensations, and emotions occuring involuntarily in the mind during stages of sleep. A realm where the impossible can become possible, or your worst fear can come to life in a frighteningly realistic way. For Alec Lightwood, dreams were the only place where he could be with the one who had captured his heart. The only way he could touch his face, to feel his arms around his waist and look lovingly into his beautiful eyes.The only instance in which he knew the taste of his lips as familiarly as he knew his hometown. His dreams were the only place that Alec could truly be happy, once and for all, when he didn't have to pretend. When he could be himself without having to face the consequences or disapproval from his family--because, as long as he was under the safe blanket of his own mind, Jace could finally be his.

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For as long as he could remember, for as long as he had been alive, Alec Lightwood had been in love with Jace Wayland. Everything about him tugged at his heartstrings in a way he never thought was possible; the way his blonde hair fell into his eyes and were brushed away by fingers that were surprisingly delicate. His egotistical attitude, his cockiness and slight self-centeredness and the way all of those traits disappeared when his family or friends were put in the way of peril. The way he put his duties as a Shadowhunter before anything else, but more importantly, Alec loved how oblivious Jace was. He didn't notice the lingering gazes that lasted a few heartbeats too long, nor did he think anything of the way Alec's fingers brushed against his at any opportunity he could find. For decades it had been this way, Alec so desperately and recklessly in love with his blissfully unaware Parabatai brother.

    His brother. Though they weren't related, Jace and Alec were connected by a complex bond, a bond that ran deeper than family. No human relationship could even come close to describing what they had; in battle, their hearts would beat as one, and they would risk their lives in a split second if the other was in danger. However, Alec's love for Jace ran deeper and was much more potent than that of a simple family-type connection, an emotion that he would never speak up on, no matter how many times his heart was screaming otherwise. He wouldn't complain when Jace would spend time with his longtime girlfriend, Clary, nor could he let him hear the acceleration of his pulse whenever they would hug in celebration after a successful battle. Alec was a prisoner to his own affection, knowing very well the rules and the potential fallout if said rules were broken.

    So, for all intents and purposes, Alec had to live a lie. He had to pretend that he was happy in his relationship with flamboyant warlock, Magnus Bane, someone who, in his mind, was nothing more than a distraction. He didn't love him, at least not in every form of the word. He did care something for this other man, but it didn't come even remotely close to comparing to the way he felt for Jace, and somewhere in his heart Alec knew that it would be this way forever. He would fall in and out of various relationships with dozens of people, and he would more than likely make a life with one of them. However, no matter how many years passed or no matter what changes were made to their individual lives, Alec would never stop loving Jace, not even when the sun and the moon in the sky collided and the world existed no more.

    Although Alec had become so accustomed to lying that it was almost as natural as breathing, he couldn't pretend that it didn't hurt. On the outside, he could cover the pain with snarky comments dripping with sarcasm in the way only Alec Lightwood could master, or could absently turn his head whenever he found himself in compromising situations. He could look away whenever Jace would interact with Clary, could stare out at the setting sun instead of allowing himself the pain of watching the man he was so desperately in love with kiss someone else.

    The only thread of sanity Alec had left were his dreams, the fantasies of his subconscious providing a last glimmer of hope. Whenever he would begin to fall asleep, comforted by the cover of bright stars just beyond his roof to remind him of the sparkle in Jace's eyes, Alec would find himself watching a series of images playing out on his closed eyelids as if they were projector screens. These bittersweet visions were always the same; Alec was standing in Jace's room, sitting on the end of his bed, tears in his eyes. He had just confessed to the other man his true feelings, and with shaking hands to match the erratic beating of his heart, he anxiously awaited his reply. Jace was still standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his broad chest in his habitual manner. His jaw was tightly set, staring at a loose strand in the carpet below as if it were the most interesting thing he had ever seen, refusing to make direct eye contact yet still glancing at Alec out of his peripheral vision. The silence seemed to stretch out endlessly between them, and minutes, hours, or even days could have passed before Jace ever spoke up. Alec had gotten so accustomed to the quiet that when he finally did hear him speak he unwillingly flinched at the sudden sound. "This is wrong," Jace kept repeating, sounding uncharacteristically vulnerable. The tough exterior he always wore still remained, but there was something else, something deeper that was threatening to break the surface, making itself visible to Alec and only Alec. "So very, very wrong. What would happen if this got out? What would happen if the others knew?"