Whispered Nothings

part 3 ☀ thank you

I do not know where she went, not because of lack of trying but because she made sure to leave no trace behind. I found out that she had transferred out of MIT and left no trace behind her. There was no record of her at any other schools or any where. She had no social media or addresses that I could find.

She left no trace of herself but that vanilla scent on my jacket that I had not worn since that night. Every time I see it, the tightness returns to my throat and I have to close my eyes to stop the tears. 

I spent months blaming myself, believing I was the one who pushed her away. I could not believe that I told her that I loved her. She was the first person who I thought I actually loved. I thought that she was the One, the One who I would spend the rest of my life with. The One who I would have kids with and get a mini van with and get a dog with. The one who I would wake up everyday next to and be so grateful that she picked me out of all people in the world. 

                                                                                              ♢  

On New Year's Eve, I was at a party.

There were people smoking, drinking, dancing without any care in the world. But I sat outside looking at the same stars I had named months before. The same ones I had wished upon for her to return to me so that I could be happy again. I wanted that feeling of carelessness back. I wanted her back. I would do anything to see her again. Her long brown hair, those eyes that would sparkle every time she smiled. I missed her so much. 

The countdown to the new year had began.

10 . . . 

I blew hot air into the sky, 

9 . . . 

I wondered where she was, the only thought on my mind these days

8 . . . 

I touched my cheek where she had kissed me

7 . . . 

I still loved her, even if it hurt me every time I thought of her

6 . . . 

I knew that was not a lie and I was proud for finally admitting it to myself

5 . . . 

I hoped she was thinking of me

4 . . . 

I wondered who she would kiss at midnight

3 . . . 

I reached into my jacket pocket, it was the same one I had worn the last night I was with her

2 . . . 

There was a piece of paper I had never found before

1 . . . 

"Thank you," was all it said.

And in that moment I realized that I did not push her away, I helped her move forward, let go of what ever was holding her back.

"Happy new year, I love you," I whispered to no one.