Eleutheromania

It was so silent. No birds were tweeting, no laughter was echoing through the hallways. . . nothing but the heavy, untamed breath that impacted through my dry, cracked lips. I stared up at the plain white ceiling. It was as if my dreams lived up there, hidden through the broken paint, waiting for me to close my eyes so they could climb down and engulf me in a hug. Telling me that it's ok, to open up for them. I knew I was safe, on top of my flower patterned bed sheets. I knew it. They looked after me. They made sure I was healthy, and happy. They are my friends.

There are three levels.

Level one: You were a new guest. You weren't allowed to go anywhere unsupervised.

Level Two: Basically any resident, you were allowed to go to the games room and therapy rooms alone.

Level three: You were getting ready to leave. Basically, your last few days, or even hours, in the ward.

I'm level three. My mom was coming to pick me up in an hour, she would walk up to me with a wide grin and everything would be OK. My brothers would welcome me to the front door of the house, carrying my luggage up to my old bedroom. It would all be OK.

I tilted my head to the side, the sweet sound of my room door creeping open. My body twisted up as I stared into the dark hazel eyes of my doctor. He was holding his hands together in an uncomfortable manner, and moved over to the side of my bed.

"How are you, Faith?," He looked nervous. I could already see the sweat forming on his forehead, as he forced an unwanted smile.

"I'm OK," I mumbled. Glaring out to see the two big guards standing either side of my door frame. They had their hands crossed, covering the shining needle under their muscles. I knew this place, and all their secrets like it was in carved in the back of my head.

"How are you feeling about today?" The doctor touched the side of my knee with his hand. I knew it was a test, I could sense it by the way he smiled, his eyes glassy with concern. I took no time to flinch, jolt, stagger back in complete horror. I stayed calm.

I kept my eyes glued to his hand. Staring at the big diamond encrusted ring that was slammed on his wedding finger. What an odd thing for someone so, slangy, like him to be wearing. "I can't wait to see everyone, again" I swallowed the custard- like lump in my throat, giving him a reassuring smile.

He was reading me. His eyes were darting around, as if he was looking for any signs of anxiety, but I kept my emotions well hidden. I knew what to do. I knew that if I said anything wrong, if I sounded to excited, or was crying, he wouldn't let me walk out that door.

After moments of pure silence, he tapped on my leg softly. Creaking up from my bed, a nice sympathetic grin covering his face.

"Alright. Your mother's outside" He moved across the room. Fiddling with the dimmed lamp, while making his way to the door. I watched him curiously. Numbingly pulling my converse covered feet to the side of the bed, hesitating to get up.

"You can leave, Faith" I nodded fast, pulling my small pocket sized bible up off the table and walking out the door. My feet melted into the soul of my shoe as I squeaked past the other patience rooms, tightening my grip on my book like it would be the last thing I would hold. People stared at me with such a dreaded look, their eyes so dark, and concerned; as if they had just seen a ghost.

The two guards followed behind me. Their big black boots echoed down the hallway, it made me shiver to have them so on my back. But no matter. I will be out of here in the next ten minutes, I will be home. I will get to look at all my family members as if they were just a dream, but this time it wasn't. It was reality.

I turned the corners fast, glaring at the canteen rooms. Two long, wooden tables sat opposite each other. One table was for people with eating disorders as they had to be watched like a hawk, so people could make sure they were eating, and the other was for the rest of us. The crazies. The best day was Fridays. It was pancakes day and everyone was always in high spirits. Eggs with cheese, bacon, grits and cereal are also served in the cafeteria, which always reminded me of the one I ate during my elementary school years.

I passed the Therapy rooms. The places where people would come out crying, or laughing. It always made you have mixed emotions when draining your thoughts out to someone else. I never liked it, but yet Mr. Bolton was always kind enough to listen, even if I just spent the hour talking about how much I hated it here. Or how that girl took my juice box, or how someone did this to that.

That's all there was to see in such a disabled type of place. Now there were just rows and rows of rooms, numbers on the front next to the name of the psycho who lives in there.

I spun my last corner, freezing almost instantly when seeing my mother. Her hair had grown so much over the five months. She had a heavy coating of eyeliner on that was soon to be smudged by her tears. The nurses pointed to me, gently touching her back as if she was hesitating to come towards me.

No excitement was shown. No big smiles, no jumping into the arms of a loved one. Only the makeup dripping tears that rolled down to her trembling lips. She looked so nervous, as if seeing her daughter had brought back horrid memories.

My feet shuffled along the ground as I made my way over to her. The guards disappeared from my sight, the nurses returned to their jobs. It was just us two from now on.

I froze as close as two steps away from her. She was shaking. It hurt to see my mother on an edge of a breakdown. Especially since we were in a mental hospital. Her eyes were layered with sad, shocked emotions. I would react the same way when seeing my daughter for the first time in a long time.

I knew she was happy to see me. It was tears of happiness that dripped onto the floor. She was all shaken up cause she felt like her body was paralyzed with joy. . . I can read people.

My teeth roughly ran over my bottom lip as I bit down on it hard. Shifting my feet around as the silence grew stronger and stronger.

"Hi mom" I spoke, my voice swollen with the tears that I held back deeply.

"Hi honey" Finally, she pulled me in for a big, warm hug. Her body pressed up against mine so gently, and slowly. Her scratchy breathes burned into the side of my neck. Her tears rolled onto my skin, melting down. I hadn't felt this for so long. It was overpowering to have the comfort of my mother in my hands again.

We pulled apart, I watched her as she held her arm out for me. I looped around it, heading towards the door with pleasure running through my bones.

Stepping outside, we moved across the lawn. Hedges were lined up as if a big fence. The grass was finely cut by our good man Jerry; he was a whipped with the trimmer. I pushed past the flowers that all of the Patience's planted to make the ground 'more colourful and vibrant' as Miss. O' Brian would say.

There was Frank. My sunflower that I planted myself, he didn't have much colour in him since I stopped watering. But who cares, this is now and I'm finally free. Free from the medication, free from the other people, free from the nurses and my doctor. I was skipping with joy.

"So, how's things at home?" I question. Darting my eyes around at the big hospital as mom unlocked the car door. This was going to be the last time I ever see this place.

"It's good Faith. Dylan has graduated from high school and is kicking off into collage next week. Zac has been working hard on his school work. . . you know, things are doing fine. I've been doing a lot around the house, renovating" I never understood why she left dad out of the picture all the time. It was as if he didn't exist. I know they fight a lot, and she's always really sensitive about their relationship. Once I was talking to her on the phone when in hospital and as soon as I mentioned him, she broke down.

It was sad to see my mom and dad get so angry at each other over every single thing. They were at their worst just before I left. Now ever since I did. . . things have seemed to calm down. I know there will be no more yelling and screaming, cause they worked it out. I know.

"That's awesome mom, I'm sure the house won't even look noticeable" I smirk at her, pulling a juice out of my backpack and buckling up my seat belt. She nodded fast, allowing the engine to roar for a moment before reversing out. Bye bye St. Oxfords hospital!

Bye, bye.