It Needs a Name

Chapter 7

I never actually got up the stairs to check on my mother, and I still can't figure out what stopped me. It was some kind of weird out of body experience, only..I was still in my body. I don't know how to explain it; all I know is that I never checked on her.

Never looked in on her to see if she was puking out all the bad feelings she didn't want. Never checked to see if she was still fucking breathing. 

I just got so tired that I sat right there, on the step and stared off into space. I just looked and looked at the cobwebs collecting in the high corners, watching them dance and swing in the slight breeze. 

I felt like a cobweb then. Perched so high above the rest of the world that I cannot be reached, torn apart by the slightest breeze or shift. Unwanted, and unsightly, but still so far away that you can't be bothered to remove it. You'd look up, and see it there, and wrinkle your nose. Make a note to run the broom or vacuum there this weekend, then you'll forget about it. About me. 

My mother had forgotten about me long enough to get lost in her bottles. Long enough to give in to her vice, and completely go back on every promise she had made me while I was in the hospital.

"I won't take another sip, Jamie. You have my word. I'll go to meetings, like I used to and everything will be okay again."

I actually  believed that things could be that simple. 

I don't know what it was, but that place made me see my mom the way I used to when I was 5 years old. Anything she said was gold. it was true because mommy had said it, and she would never lie to me. Never.

Santa Claus, the tooth-fairy, and the Easter Bunny suddenly made complete sense again. 

Now I was back out. I was back out and I was suddenly a cynical, paranoid, and un-trusting eighteen year old.  Nothing had really changed with me. I was just manipulated by the hospital setting, the pills they were shoving down my throat. Nothing had changed at all. 

Not me, not her. It was all just this complicated, genius lie that we were both telling. We told it and we believed it. We both believed that things would change. That things could get better in the blink of an eye and all the bad dreams and thoughts would be left at the doors of that institution. 

I didn't stay on the step too long, not after I realized that. I didn't see the point of being above ground. Everything was just as shitty as it was before. Mom was back to drinking, and it didn't feel like there was anything I could do to stop her. Not if that's where she wanted to be. If that's what she wanted, then I'd let her have that. At least one of us could forget about things for a little while.

I got up, made myself some lunch and at it in silence. I ate at the table instead of taking it to the couch, or upstairs. I just felt like the table was the right place for me to be then. While I was eating I noticed a ball of pale blue yarn, the needle-things poking out of like TV antennae trying to send out signals to someone who's radio was out of commission.

I felt bad for the little ball. It it had been dropped like a hot potato, and now it was lonely. 

I stood up from my chair the, reached across the kitchen table and grabbed the yarn, softly.  I didn't want to hurt it. I cooed at the blue bundle, taking it softly in my hands, "I'm lonely too. We can be lonely together, you and me. I'm Jamie. Let's make something beautiful. Something that will stand out in this ugly place."

I picked up the needle-things, no idea how to go about this. but I got the feeling that the yarn didn't care; it wouldn't judge me for my incompetence. It was just glad someone had noticed it. 

I found the beginning of the ball, tried my best to remember how my mother did this, closed my eyes and started moving my hands around.

Trying to make something good out of a shitty situation.