As the clouds spread the word yes, all I wanted to do was swish them around like nail polish to make the memory of what I did to him go away. If I could ask for anything in the world it would be to go back in time and scream in my own conscious that I should've said, even the simplest "yes", without the back thoughts telling me not to because I would have fallen too hard and not only hurt just him, but myself. I was afraid to do anything to him because every move he made mesmorized me like a painting would an artist. After I turned him down, never in my life would I come to think of being this angry, hurt, emotional, and kiddish about anything, not to mention anyone. I had made a mistake.
Now, 5-6 months later I have done nothing, but dig myself a grave. Within the small set of months that I grew to know and love him more, I was arrogant and rude to him, set him up with a crazy psycho, pushed him around like an overprotective parent, and at one point, I even dated his best friend (like the dumbass I was) to try and get over it, but also hoping to make him jealous and want me again, and in the end with the many other things I did, all I ended up wanting to think about was all of the times he'd made me feel wanted in the way that even my family or best friend couldn't do. I've cried on his shoulder while he patted my back, vented to him with listening ears, and done a lot if things I would've never imagined myself doing, and calling them 'fun'. I soon wanted anything I could get until I soon came to realize when he finally gave up and spat it in my face that none of the feelings were mutual and that if I leave him alone, things will turn out better. I had deserved that. I had dried him up. Screwed him over. Pushed him even. I had fucked up so bad, that all of the memories I had, brought me to tears. It made me feel even crazier than the cunt I had set him up with in the past. I had promised myself that I would overcome my fears that make me torture him and do better at what I've wanted all along. So I followed his instructions and left him alone.
The only thought that kept my sanity was that that's what love is. It's a poison. It makes you crazy when you let it in and it's so easy until you try and push it out, it feels like a black, vapored cloud of smoke off of a cigarette held in your lungs forever with at least 15x the addiction possibility, making you have half the mind to keep it in forever and never let it go. I was basically in a trance of all the mistakes I had made, mixed with the good memories I had helped created with him and now I was stuck, watching him be happy and walk away so easily as if we had never met and avoiding me like the plague. Everything, every chance, every possibility I could've had with the boy I teased out of love felt amidst.
