Band was the only sanity I had other than my hidden getaway of cannabis. I had waited all day that day just for the satisfaction of Friday night basketball pep band. The only thing I had to worry about that held me back was that my recent nightmares of my past started to become stronger and panic attacks would erupt at the most random moments. And like I had predicted it had happened. I was about to set up my clarinet and BAM! I booked it to the bathrooms in the very back of the school so that nobody would see me in such a state.
As soon as I had arrived, vomit had soon cover the floor, toilet and slightly even myself. I finished, cleaned myself up, and then soon started shaking as usual. Then finally the tears. No matter how hard I had tried to hold them back, the tears kept coming and I had never imagined myself going into such a state.
I got into the fetile position, hugging my knees tight to my chest and rocking back and forth praying and praying for everything in my mind to stop racing faster than my heart. I couldn't see, I could barely breathe, and all I could think about was the vivid images from my nightmares, haunting my every move. It was like a horrid trance, sweeping me off my feet like a prince would his princess except leading me to my doom.
Footsteps and backpack thumping. Somebody was coming towards me but I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating. I still couldn't really see and the images took over me again before I could check or even possibly look like I'm ok. All I remembered was his voice.
"Hey Leah. Leah? LEAH!! Can you hear me? Are you Ok? Everything's going to be ok. Ssh ssh. Calm down it's alright." Apparently I was thrashing and flailing myself around as if he was trying to abduct me. He held me tight in his slightly muscled arms and rubbed my back and all I could remember was that and his voice. Everything else was a blur but that. Everything wasn't ok. Although Xxane hated me, he kept checking up on me to make sure the panic attacks didn't overcome me and whenever I needed him he would let me come over and vent.
Weeks had passed and the panic attacks had slowly come to a temporary halt. I wasn't taking any of my chances, so I hung out with Xxane and his best friend Wyatt to make myself feel safer. We had all been friends before and the only tension that existed was between Xxane and I, and Ashley and I. Ashley had never liked me but since she had been dating Wyatt for about a year he made sure she wasn't rude.
At one point Xxane, Wyatt, my friend GG and I hung out all together and I struck Xxane with a pinecone. A war had begun between all of us (considering it was spring and the pinecones had been leftover from even fall) there was no safety. Soon Wyatt had somehow found a charger cord and tied it to a stick, playfully threatening to swing at us with it. GG's ride had appeared so she was safe.
Next thing I know I'm willingly letting Xxane strike me with the charger cord on the butt as a way to get him to forgive and left with a purple line spread across it for the next week.
