i. (control and impulse)
it seeps into my mind,
curling against the corners of my mind
softening resolve, motivation.
it clogs my thoughts, twists and wraps
itself until it is a part of me, until
I am the way it thinks and I do what it compels me,
dizzy with a clouded head,
ragged throat from shouting myself hoarse.
I've never enjoyed being under another's control.
(cultivate your hunger, it says,
until you're starving for a hint of victory,
even though you are still stinging
from the aftertaste of defeat.)
ii. (the double-sided blade.)
He sees it as
a weakness he will overcome,
by stifling and compressing, even though
his mother sees but holds her breath
(so the words won't come spilling out)
he's more like her then he thought.
pastes layer after layer,
mask after mask until it's impossible to peel off,
not without taking off some skin as well.
he's not the skin underneath, nor the muscle
or even the bone. this is victory.
without this, he would've died of boredom anyway,
succumbed to playing god, using life.
iii. (drowning goldfish)
His
is a face of guilt, childish but in anguish,
because I failed him over and over,
choked out sorrow.
Somewhere among honor and praise, even glory
I had forgotten to look back
and he had been stranded in the dark,
not fast enough to catch up,
not when the powerful were suppose to guide the weak.
His father's face is blank but accusing,
his mother's hollowed out with grief,
and looking at her is like seeing a ghost.
I wake up screaming with his face imprinted,
on the back of my eyelids, where I can't escape, even in sleep.
I. is inspired by me being sick, while ii. was about this AU I read a really long time ago, and ended up reading again. The main character struggles with himself a lot, even if he's an arrogant idiot.
iii. was about a dream I had? There was a little kid I played with in the dream, and we went to a stream, where he turned into a goldfish and I splashed around with him. After scooping him out and almost choking him to death bc I was afraid he was going to be stepped on, he started trusting me less. There was something about a prophecy? and me (or the main chara, who I feel like was male) being praised and blah, and I forgot about the kid. Then his father helped me, and I visited them and found out the kid had died, and his younger sister had a doll with the kid's soul trapped inside.
I have weird dreams-too much FMA/AU fanfic influence?
