“If only I was God, I would save your decaying soul. If only I was God…”
Tears welled up. Regret comes in many forms and he can never stop blaming himself whenever he thinks about it. The letter given to him three years ago from ‘her’ before she was gone. He still keeps it because that’s the only thing that stops him from blaming himself for her departure.
-[flashback]-
“Takanori! If you were God, what you’d do?” she asked. The short man smiled as he continues pushing her wheelchair towards the park located around the hospital area. He then faced her and squatted so that he’s at her level. A sad smile was carved upon his lips.
“What I’d do? I’ll heal you, Chie” he said as he held onto her hands that rested on her laps since they left her ward. She gave out a smile. “Well, that’s good. But I can do better than you if I was God!” she said to him happily. “What you’ll do?” he asked curiously.
“Instead of healing only me, I’ll make sure there’s no person born imperfect like me. Not even a single person!” she said happily as she looked up at the sky. Takanori smile turned upside down. He loves her but she’s unfortunate to be like this. Because of love people are selfish and surely Takanori felt selfishness because he only wants her out of everybody, and he only wants her to heal. If only he was God, he’ll only use his power to save only her.
“Takanori, I don’t want to undergo the surgery” she said to him and he gave a worried look. “Why not? It’s your only chance…” he said, convincing her to undergo the surgery. “No, I don’t want to” she said.
“Why?” he asked. She averted her gaze. “Because the doctor said, I have only 50% chance of living” she replied. “There’s a percentage” he replied.
“Yeah, I know! But where goes the other 50%? I’m in the middle of life and death. You can’t save me, the surgery can’t save me. I need a miracle, Takanori” she said and he looked down. “You have hope. Keep the faith” he replied to her. She sighed and once again she focused towards the blank, cloudless sky.
“Look at the sky, Takanori. It’s empty. That’s how I really feel deep inside. I can’t have any feelings. I should avoid my heart from feeling love” she told him. He looked up at her with teary eyes. “Why—why is that so?” he asked and she smiled. “It’s because, if I have someone I love in this world, I’d regret it if I die and I’d really break their heart for leaving their side” she said.
“But—Chie! I love you!” Takanori said those three important words that choke down deep within his throat and he finally led it out after a long period of time. She smiled and looked directly into his eyes so that her words could get through him. “Takanori, listen… My soul is fading, my life is about to end. You surely don’t want to break your own heart, right? Fall in love with someone else while you still have the time before I’m gone” she said and Takanori nodded at her words. “
“If only I was God…” he muttered. “IF ONLY YOU WERE” she said.
“Now Takanori, with the remaining time left, let’s be happy!” she said and he nodded.
-[Fast Forward]-
Takanori walked through the hospital corridors with roses in hand. He was just done performing a live concert and he was parading with his concert suit throughout the hospital. A smile was formed on his lips because Chie told him that she was doing really fine. He hadn’t met her for two weeks because of the rehearsal and concert and finally he’s meeting her.
What shocked him is the next scene he’s seeing; doctors and nurses were rushing into her room. He rushed into her room although the nurses were pushing him out.
“No, sir! You can’t come in!” they said.
Tears flooded as he saw a different Chie lying on the ward. Skinny, pale, eye bags due to lack of sleep. He couldn’t be stopped and he rushed towards her. He took her hand and broke into tears.
“Chie! Why’d you lie to me saying that you’re alright?!” he cried.
“I didn’t want you to come over. I might be of a bother. I don’t want you to see me in this condition” she replied. His tears fell onto her face and her skinny hand wiped it off. “Don’t cry, Takanori… You can’t stop this, you’re not God” she said but he didn’t stop. Her hands reached out to take a crumpled piece of paper and handed it to him. When he took the paper, the doctors and nurses shoved Takanori out of the room.
He tried to go back in but they already closed the doors. He cried so much that finally he felt asleep outside, at the door.
“Mr.Takanori… wake up” one of the doctors woke him up. He slowly got up and bowed.
“I’m sorry to say but… she can’t make it. She has to go”
Tears ran down his cheek. His heart felt like it was slit with a sharp violin bow and it felt like it was playing a sorrowful melody.
“It’s God’s decision” the doctor said and tapped his shoulders before leaving to continue his job.
His weakening legs walked towards her ward. She was lying as if she was asleep.
“If only I was God, I wouldn’t let this happen to you”
-[end flashback]-
He wiped his tears and walked back towards his room. His little puppy followed him and lied on his bed. Before he went to bed, he kept the crumpled letter as a reminder that he’s not to be blamed for her death.
Takanori-kun
I was happy when you said that you wanted me to heal if you were God but that’s just plain selfishness. I’m sorry for everything but please don’t blame yourself and most importantly, don’t blame God. When he takes things away from you, know that he’s giving something better for you. You’re not wrong, no one is wrong. This is a part of my written destiny. There’s always a reason why things happen. I’d like you to see the world in a different vision now, Takanori.
And I hope, the sky wouldn’t be cloudless anymore without me. Take care of yourself.
Chie.
