depression.

Him

I know you know nothing about me, so I'll tell you. When I get hurt, I go to writing. It's something about the metaphors, and figurative speech that gives me chills down my spine, and makes me feel alive. I hope I do the same to you, maybe even inspire...if anyone reads this.

I've had depression for almost two years. I'm 14, I live on the east coast, in a very small town. I like things calm, small, and most-likely-not-going-to-change-sorta-thing. I also have anxiety. If you know what that's like; I'm sorry. It sucks, yes I know. I fell in love. Yeah, I know what love is. It happened last year. He was everything I wanted, and everything I needed. We lasted for almost 4 months, and...I've never...felt...more alive. He taught me how to breathe. I had depression before we starting dating, so when we ended, you can only imagine how that went down. I'm still struggling getting over him. It'll be a year in three days: it's 3/4/16. I'm starting to fall for your brother. Big mistake. I'm sorry, that I didn't listen to what you told me. It's too late and I'm still sorry.

3/4/16
It's 10:15. Your brother hurt me, again. He was holding hands with another girl. He actually spoke to me, had a conversation. Held my hand too. I knew he'd hurt me, but never like you. Its now 10:28. My friends are being inconsiderate. I want to disappear, get away. I'm facing away from them. It's been an hour since they've started. I can feel their eyes burning through me, staring at me. Calling me names inside their heads. Three days till one year. It's 10:58. I have been pretending to sleep for the past 20 mins. I still haven't turned around to my "friends". They turned off the lights and finally stopped talking. Finally. I think to myself. The two of them flash a light above over their faces and play a song from sixth grade, it was an inside joke. We used to play piggy piggy, and play this song. They played it, laughing their asses off. They started tickling my feet, I didn't flinch. They know I've been depressed. They know the boy I like was holding hands with another girl. But oh, it's so much more then that. They tickle my sides. I groan, telling them to get off, and I roll back over.
"Hey? Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine" I spit out, surprisingly not not having my voice crack, tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to fight them back. I'm trying to sleep away my pain, can't you see that?
It's 11:04. They're playing music and have all the lights on, eating food and talking. Loudly. Life is telling me to stand up for myself, but Id be risking my only "true friends". I needed to hold on for just a little bit longer, then....then I could let go. Forever. Hopefully. But for now, I'm finishing this sentence, and will soon be closing my eyes, awaiting my temporary death. Goodnight.

3/5/16
I've been in bed all day. I finally got up around 5:30 to go for a run, I have track tryouts in a week. I'm fucked.

3/6/16
Today. Today is the day..I knew it was going to happen. I knew we were going to break up. I remember, I was in a car going to New York, listen to Let It Go by...whatever his name is. The lyrics were explaining my situation perfectly. "Come on let it go, just let it be, why don't you be you? And I'll be me?Everything that's broke- leave it to the breeze. Let the ashes fall, forget about me." I remember thinking...I can't let you go. I won't. Then I was thinking yea we're broken. This probably isn't going to be fixed. But then the "forget about me" part...I didn't like. How could you forget about your true first love? You don't you'll remember them. I don't want you to forget about me. I knew we were going to end- I felt it in my chest. I just knew. I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I really am sorry. You've moved on though. And I should too, but I just. Fucking. Can't. By the way, I dreamt of you again, for the 10th time this month....just..this month. It's been a while. I realized today was the last day I kissed you. Wow. It feels like yesterday, but it also feels like forever. I'm listening to moose blood - I hope you're miserable. "It's been a year since I've kissed him, I want the dark when I wake up."