depression.

Him..

I remember back to a time, when i sat on out on the diver board of my pool, internally screaming  to whatever was above me, praying, that i would find a boy.

I remember describing him with blonde or brunette hair, green eyes, and loves the outdoors. That all i said.

Ask and you shall receive.

This summer has been the most eventful one yet, the most eventful time of my life. After I ditched tris, i became closer with the new group. From biking to the beach in the morning, to late night ice cream runs with this group. It was always fun. With tris, i was lucky if we were even on her front yard, with them? Oh god. In the course of a day..thats how much fun i would have with tris compared to them. Everyday we are doing something new and exciting.

I feel...alive. I feel...good.

"That, its worth it to keep going. I really mean it when i sit here and tell you that."

This video has kept me alive. Kept me, my body, my mind and my soul alive.

I was too much of a coward to actually kill myself, so this is what i used to keep me sane.

Theres so many feelings and memories from this.

Hurt.

Anger.

Confusion.

Loneliness.

Empty.

But then theres,

Happy.

Trust.

Loving.

Smiles.

Hope.

I know what he means now. It really is fucking worth it to live.

With tris, and him and J, i was in black and white. The same thing over and over. Hurt. Loneliness, just these negative emotions floating around the emptiness of my body, like violent waves of a horrific hurricane, destructing everything in its path.

And then, there was color.

I met him.

He's showing me new places. Thats the key to my heart. He's a beach boy for sure. Training for to be a life guard, and goes there everyday. Sometimes all day. He goes hiking with his dad and will be gone for 14 days, sure ill miss him but ill see him soon. You wouldnt believe how green his eyes are! Sometimes it looks like hes high, but hes a good kid, he would never. But man, those eyes.