Permanent Substitute [SHINHWA]

Gone Forever

I can't.

I sat down helplessly on my older brother's bed and felt its soft blanket with the palm of my right hand. I wish he can tell me to stop crying every single time I remember him. I wish he can give me a warm hug. I hope he can sing me a song when I feel this pain inside my heart.

I stared blankly on his cabinet opposite to my direction. His clothes were still there, folded nicely and his scent is still evident in this cold chamber. I clutched his graduation picture on my other hand and rubbed it on my chest. I hope the wound that I have right now could bleed. I seriously wanted to get this deep hole in my heart healed but it is not possible. It cannot happen as soon as I like.

"Oppa, you are so selfish." - was the only sentence that I can say over and over again. I want to punch his face for not telling me that he is dying. I want to scream at him for not letting me know that we do not have enough time left to hang out. If I just knew, I could have visited him sooner. But my ignorance caused me all these regrets.

Now he is gone. Leukaemia took him from me.

He did not even allow me to attend his burial. He is so mean that he even wrote it down not to let me know until I finish my final exams. Now, how am I going to endure this? I am not going to let this pass just like this. I stopped all my silent sobs. I stood up and went to his table to open his laptop and discovered that he even changed his password without me knowing.

Okay, I will forgive him on this part since I will be avenging myself soon after all the things that he did.

"Do you really have to do this Kahel?" I heard my mother's voice outside the room. She kept asking me this question a couple of times now.

"You know I won't stay put until I get it by myself." I told her roughly.

"I know you are also mad at me because I conspired with your brother but you shouldn't take his last note seriously. It can be a trap." she is sincere with her words but I don't think it is enough to stop me.

"Mom, please stop thinking that I am mad at you. I am just upset on what you've done but looking at it closely, you do not have any other choice when he begged for your help." I understand what she went through. Her emotional pain might be a lot deeper than mine but being stubborn is one of the things that I am best at.

"Okay, I trust your brother's plan. Now, I will convince myself to trust you too with your decision. Always remember that we are here for you." She paused while trying to control her tears.

"Your father already arranged the documents. Your grades are not a problem as well. You can transfer to your brother's school anytime you'd like. Give us a call when you need anything." She walked towards me and squeezed my hand.

She touched my cheek for the last time and said - "Do your best."

"Ya! Are you still planning to do an ugly cry?! Come, I'll drive you to the bus station." My father interrupted. He gave me a warm encouraging smile as he showed me his car keys dangling on his index finger.

Our parents are the complete opposites. My mother is a very emotional person while my father is someone who goes with the flow. She is an introvert and he is an extrovert. I do not really know how they fell in love but their weaknesses and strength seemed to compliment in a good way. Now that Oppa is gone, I am the only one left to balance them.

"I think Ace had a very awesome reason why he left that for Kahel. I trust his judgement since he is our son. And I also believe that you're going to gain something from it too my daughter. Now let's go!" he said with a determined voice. I followed him while my mother held my hand on our way out.