S T A Y

D O N ' T

i go home with my head spinning and i sit on the floor with my phone clutched in my hands

i open up the messager and click on your name

i write it all out

how i cant do this anymore and how you need to choose

i delete it all

i leave later to drink away the pain
-

my mind is in turmoil and my body is experiencing hell

its funny how just being with one person can change all that

no, thats not humorous at all, to be honest

H O N E S T Y

my fingers claw at my flesh and i cant help it when i picture you with her, in the bed we shared last night

i inhale sharply

the alcohol has done nothing to help me

if anything its worse

my grip on my arm becomes increasingly tighter when you walk in with her

its ten pm

why are you in a shitty bar with her?

date night, i answer my question quickly and bite my lip

look at how happy you both are, your smiles are the product of nirvana

S M I L E F O R M E

i shiver at the thought of your lips touching hers, and when you actually do i want to vomit

you dont notice me and im grateful for it

oh god, oh god

i clutch my bottle

the guy who served me is worried

i can tell

oh no, shes looking at me, she recognizes me

she remembers me from when i didnt leave that one time

remember?

you told her we stayed up all night playing video games and i stayed all night

i guess half of that is true

shes talking to you, i see my name on her lips and i turn my head away as soon as you look at me

coward, i think

C O W A R D

i order another drink and the bartender makes it quickly

he sets it in front of me and doesnt let go when i grab it

our eyes meet and he says something that surprises me

"i can kick them out if they become too much"

i forgot some people actually care about me

they arent him, my thoughts are killing me

H I M H I M H I M

i nod and he gives me a soft smile before sliding his hand away from mine and looking up

his smile shifts

its fake now

i want to laugh

she sits next to me, i know its her without looking

you hesitate behind her before sitting next to her

you glance at me and i suppose the make-up is covering up the bags under my eyes because your eyebrows furrow when i grin widely at her and give my greetings

i know why you were looking at me

you wanted to see if i was tearing myself apart without you

i am

but im not letting you know that, you cheating fuck
-

shes talking to me about your wedding

i can tell this is out of the blue, you look surprised

she asked me what color the flowers should be

i told her purple

she loved the idea

"lilac dresses?" she grins

i nod

oh god, you dont deserve her

youre fucked up and youre too much of a jackass to tell her what you do to me under the covers after you text her goodnight

J A C K A S S

if you weren't a coward we could be two fuck ups together

youre frowning with worry throughout the whole conversation

i know why

you dont want to get married

i laugh

she looks at me and asks what caused it

i told her the tuxs should be dark purple

she hugs me and you take a deep breath

youre worried im going to tell her about us

im not

youre going to

im going to make you

some day
-

she invites me over to your house at the end of your date

i smile and nod

you look pissed off

my grin widens

i tell the bartender, luke is his name, goodbye and follow you and her outside

i tell her i walked

she smiles and tells me i can ride with you guys

you open your mouth to reject the idea, you can see my car

i smirk wickedly and sit in the back of your jeep

she sits with me and as we go down the road she talks about how her birthday is coming up soon

your hands tighten around the steering wheel

you forgot

i tell her that im going to get her something

she hugs me again

i know you have no idea what to give her

i do

i listen to her when she talks

N O W I F O N L Y Y O U C O U L D S P E A K O U T

we stop in your driveway and i slide out of my seat

i help her out of your car before you can and youre fuming

im happy