It's 3 am and I'm wishing you were here
The window by our bed is still open, you always kept it like that, I haven't closed it since you left
I can hear the cicadas outside, it's almost summer so I hear them every night.
I'm wearing your sweatpants
I like your sweatpants
The beds really cold without you. I have to sleep with three blankets.
Your pillow smells like you, the slight scent of musk and aftershave
I try not to sleep on it too much, I don't want to lose the lovely scent.
We would be in the kitchen right now, making tea. You would probably almost drop the mugs as you got them from the cabinet and a slight "oh fuck" would escape your mouth and your giggle would fill the air and I would just admire you from the countertop like always. You would look at me with those wide beautiful eyes of yours and the corners of your mouth tugged across your cheeks and your dimples showing and you would laugh and say "that was close" and I would jump off the counter and grab teabags for you. We always make tea when we can't sleep. I tried to make some earlier. It didn't taste the same.
I still play your drums here. I can't help it, I'm so fascinated by them. I think I've gotten a little better. I miss you coming into the room and questioning what I was doing, and then you'd spend hours teaching me. I would watch your hands overtop of mine on the sticks as you showed me a rhythm that we had been working on, and when I tried it by myself you would start dancing and then scream "YEAHHH" and we would jump up and down and laugh so loud. It was a joyous sound. You would throw me over your shoulder and carry me to the couch and hover over me, kissing my nose and my cheeks and about every other part of my face as it turned red and you were mumbling "I'm so proud of youuuuu" and "good job BABY!" and my fingers would find your sides and I would slightly press them into your bare skin, knowing I could squeeze your laugh out of you one more time. I swear, your laugh is like an angels. You're an angel. You know that right? Speaking of your drums, remember that one night I was playing my guitar and you were playing the drums and the old lady next door complained about the noise? I think we laughed for a good 15 minutes straight. I remember you answering the phone, your mouth forming an o shape as you heard of the complaint. You tried so hard to hold back your laugh while you finished the call, and I waited in ambition to hear what was going on. When you told me that our neighbor complained about the noise we lost it. I cant wait to do stupid stuff with you again. We're partners in crime. i cant wait until our next walmart adventure, or us playing hide n seek in the house, or us sledding down that big hill at the park when it snows, but we would get carried away and try to snowboard down it on the sled, causing a couple falls and bruises. we're always laughing at the stupid stuff each other does, or what we do together. we just cant keep ourselves out of trouble can we? ;) I miss laughing with you. Our laughs fit together. Like our harmonies. I miss singing with you. I wrote some songs while you were away. youll probably make me sing them to you. We would always sing, whether it was a snowy day and we would lounge around all day, playing around with harmonies and we were both in sweaters (I was wearing yours) and I would make us hot chocolate and we would just sing and when you weren't looking I would look up at you and watch as you stared at the wall in concentration and hit that beautiful note and i would grin because your voice is so fucking perfect and then you would look at me and just grin back and on the inside my heart was racing and i had butterflies and on the outside i was just smiling so big that im surprised my face just didnt get stuck like that and then sometimes we would sing in the car with the radio blaring and us screaming at the top of our lungs or when we were making lunch and it was just a random verse that you had started singing of "bump n grind" and I had joined in. Your hands would find my hips and we would dance for a second and your laugh would erupt through the kitchen and you went back to making your sandwich or your toast with Vegemite. Even if it was lunch you wouldn't hesitate to eat that. I bought a jar at the store the other day for you. The other day I saw the picture of you and my brother on the fridge. You leaning down with your hands on his shoulders and your hair wet because we were at the pool. He misses you too. You're like a big brother to him. He asks me about you, when your coming home. He claims he's going to beat you in basketball next time you play with him. He's been practicing. He also misses Mikey ever since the one day all of you guys came when I was babysitting him. They played x box for a good three hours. I still go to the music store every week. I can't wait until you come with me again. You were always looking at something to do with drums. You would stray off for a few minutes and I would linger over to the guitars and stare at the one that i loved the most and all of a sudden I would feel your arms snake around me and your chin on my shoulder and you would whisper "you like that one don't you" and I would say "yeah, it's gorgeous" and you would kiss my cheek and insist we go out for ice cream and we would. Every. Single. Time. I know your order like the back of my hand. You would get chocolate and vanilla swirl in a waffle cone with sprinkles and hot fudge. You would always manage to get some on your nose and I would always wipe it off for you. but you would grab my wrist and put it down and say "woah woah woah, you have lips dont you" with a cheeky smile and i would end up kissing it off. i haven't gone to that ice cream place since you left a month and a half ago. I can't go there without you. You'll be home soon though. Then we can go. You'll be home really soon. I'm sitting in our room waiting to hear your car door shut and you start to get your luggage out of the trunk. I took a long bath tonight. I miss your baths. You would always draw me one when you could tell I was tense or stressed out. You would come over to me and rub my shoulders saying "everything alright?" And you would kiss my head and I would sigh and say "yeah" even though I was stressed out from school or work or something and you knew I wasn't ok so you would say "ill go run you a bath sweetheart" and you would go hop up the steps taking two at a time because you're so much taller than me and can do that and I'd slowly follow behind and you just knew how to make me feel so much better. We would watch a movie that night and after the movie we would both still be awake so we would stay up until the hours of the morning where you have to whisper and the moon is shining through the window and we would tell each other anything and everything from deep thoughts to a joke that calum told you the other day to how our days went to how recording is going and on and on. We talk about everything. And I could feel your heart beating through my back as I laid in between your legs on the couch and your arms squeezed me really tight to you and i felt so safe ashton so safe as you held me there and as it got later and later my eyelids would become heavier and heavier and the last thing I remembered was me mumbling "I love you ash" interrupting whatever story you were telling me and you would drape the blanket over us and kiss my hair and say you loved me too and I would fall asleep with a slight smile on my face because you make me so damn happy babe. I wish I could've came and picked you up from the airport. But you know, I failed my drivers test the other week. Again. im 17 and cant drive still. I remember after my mom drove me back home I called you, crying. You comforted me in the most soothing voice and said "don't worry honey as soon as i get back ill give you more lessons and we'll get your pretty little face on that pretty little license. I promise. Don't cry sweetie. It'll be ok." And I would smile and sniffle and ask you in a weak voice "promise?" "Promise." You would say and then you would ask me about what I was doing and what I had planned and you would tell me about all the things you were doing and then I remember Luke stole the phone and told me "ashton misses you. A lot." With a little giggle And I laughed and would say "I miss ashton. A lot." In the same type of tone. "I miss all of you guys." I added and then heard a chorus of awws and we miss you toos, showing how Luke must of put me on speaker phone and everyone heard me. I can't wait to hear your voice in person again. And feel your curls, and look into your eyes, and press my lips to yours, and feel your biceps wrap me in the biggest hugs, (you give really good hugs) and laughing together and hearing your singing and drumming ringing through the place.
You're going to be home any minute and I can't wait. And I can't wait to come on tour with you guys for the summer, watching you live your dream. I'm really proud of you babe. You know how mindblowingly amazing you are? You never fail to amaze me, every single day. You're such a sweet person Ash, it's so mesmerizing, just to watch all your acts of kindness and you meeting all the fans and even saving lives, I'm just so proud of you. And I love you. And you would probably tell me to go to bed now because I'm grouchy when I'm tired and then you would laugh and I would give a fake pouty face and you would saw "awwhhh" and wrap your arm around me and squeeze me and then you would pick me up and carry me up the stairs and we would fall asleep with our feet entangled and our bodies pressed together, your warmth warming my body. I cant wait to do that again. im really lucky to have you, Ashton Fletcher Irwin. i love you so fucking much. See you super soon xx
