Snapshots of life

I'm sorry that I wasn't thankful

We've never crossed to have heart-to-heart talk before.

Five years ago, a family once said,

"He wants you to study well, so you can grow up just like any others, dressing up beautifully, buying all the stuff you like"

I hated study. Taking up another language and using it as an official learning language is so much of work. Not to mention the lazy type of me in study, now I have to learn another language as a start to my every lesson.

Going overseas was out of fun, fun to make new learning, to a new environment, new try, new behavior, new habit. College life seems to be much more colorful, having three meals outside with friends for the first time for the entire month, not meeting family, there it came another 'family'.

Their opinion matters. Luckily I had true friends, I meant truly for our own well being. We were bound together at this foreign country that has become our second home.

Slowly, we have to take the responsibility over the path we chose to walk. The journeys walk us differently though time still sticks. Assignments become daily meal, and stress is just part of the monthly visit. They are one team, very tough team to beat.

Doubt came along with friendship we form in class. Loyalty and trust don't count. We are all here to help each other to get the journey shorter. If helping was instructed by angel, did demon create another pal? Through a year of repetition, I realize it was nothing, life is still the same, we are just handling with different stage of life. Once you caught the rynthm,  count five..six.. seven.. and eight.. and dance beautifully! That was how I passed through the four years.

This did not bother me much because I know they are friend, friend in college but not gonna stick for the rest of my life. When I was home, I became skeptical, I worry if things that happened could lower my confidence in study which eventually disappoint them. Through constant caring and asking, it became a voice that haunted me from inside. Every sentence that was asked become a judgement, that's right, I was wrong all this time. The judgement came from me. I found myself lost in everything,  there was no topic for the day anymore because I lost interest in everything that matters me from my music, swimming, friends, social life.

Then I said, they could not accept me for who I am, cos I wasn't what they wanted me to be. I convince myself that it was just out of responsibility to take care of me. I'm in control, I have to success, because it is part of the story.

I was disappointed that I'm unlike any other kids, I'm not given the freedom to have my own night, to have the influence on their thinking. Because honestly, I just want a complete family, a simple yet fulfilling.

I graduated, with average grades. They seemed to be unhappy with the result. I joined the workforce. We are different now. I have gained my freedom, back in somewhere I call home. Then my mind questions, why do I call this home, rather than any other? Is it because I'm comfortable here? Does that mean I love being in my own cage, in what I think it's always a secured place.

Family visits still apply here. His strict face is still the same, asking how I am doing here.

I begin to consult myself. I begin to realize it was all a simple caring question. Everybody wanted the best for me, out of me, cos they all saw what's in me that I did not see in myself.

I begin to understand that the steps were walked by me. It's all about me, be it good or bad, it is still me. They can't attach another leg on me so that they could walk this life for me. They weren't disappointed in me because I didn't make the proud for them but because in society I will be one step behind. People come and go, accept it or not it is still the cycle of life. They can't be here forever, so they work hard to get the knowledge system imparted into my life. It is the most worth it and surely win games because knowledge can bring me everything, yes everything as long as the brain still works. They just want to see me, standing beautifully among the society, bringing the brightest smile back home.. on my own feet.

Questions are, why were there so many homes? Which one do I belong to?

In searching through these, I understand that "He wants you to study well, so you can grow up just like any others, dressing up beautifully, buying all the stuff you like" -- sentece was not a trick to make me live well so I could graduate well and have a proper job so I can buy all the material stuff that I want.

Five years later, I found a place that I would reside, it's where I buy all the stuff that I like (experience, time, joy, love, caring etc) that forms the me. That place I call it, my home.

Monday, 7th March 2016