8/10/13 6:19 am
When I stayed at Tara’s the night before last she showed me the song emotionless by Good Charlotte and I can’t get passed the first 40 seconds without crying. This song describes my relationship with my dad so well and I hate it. I remember when I was his little girl. I remember getting his letters form when he was in jail and being so happy. I’m pretty sure that every little girl growing up with a dad see’s him as her hero for even a little while and that’s how I felt about my dad. I thought he was the greatest man on the planet and nothing would ever come between us but then I guess I grew up and saw how things really were. When him and my mother got a divorce when I was three I didn’t really mind because I still got to see him but when I was 11 he moved to Florida and had a new baby. At first I was so excited to go visit my new baby sister since I was always the youngest. I was always considered the baby of the family because I was the youngest, my brother the middle child and my sister the oldest. I would finally get to teach my younger sister how to do stuff. But then my dad’s phone calls became less and less and until he started ignoring mine. I have nothing against my little sister even though were only half sisters I love her. I just get upset that she gets to have a daddy who loves her and cares about her but he doesn’t give a shit about his other three kids. I recently found out that my aunt has been talking to my dad and my sister and she has pictures of her and everything. I was so mad I mean she’s my sister and my dad and I don’t get to talk to them but people on my mom’s side of the family can that’s so unfair. I just don’t understand why he stopped loving me and when I heard this song it just made everything worse. My dad and I got into a fight on new year’s last year. He had called me on my 14th birthday in June to say happy birthday but I just hung up on him because he always rejected my calls. Then he called my brother on his 17th birthday in December but he did not call my sister for her 18th birthday in December too. I mean you’re oldest daughter is turning 18 and you don’t even call her that was way fucked up even for him. So I was at Tara’s for new years and my mom called me up and said happy new year and all that and then for some reason she asked me if my father had called and I said no. we started talking and she said he didn’t call Stephanie for her birthday and I got so mad. I decided to text him and we got into a really big fight that ended up with me in tears. I have so much hate for my father to the point where he almost died on new years of 2011 or 2012 and I didn’t care one bit. I have so much hate for him but a part of me still wishes that he would come back and I could be his little girl again. I have Dave as my step dad and I love him and all but he’s never going to be my real dad. I will never understand why I’m not good enough for my real dad to love and I’m going to have to live with that. I’ve always loved Good Charlotte I don’t know how I’ve only just heard emotionless. It’s a great song even though it puts me in tears. Hopefully one day after I’ve sorted out my daddy issues I’ll be able to listen to it without crying but I know as of right now it’s not going to be for a really long time.
