Forgiveness

Forgiveness

I feel as if I’m in a rut. I’m stuck, per say. As if mountains surround me, but I’m stranded in a small valley. I struggle to climb out, but can only get so far before the walls crumble under my fingertips and I fall even deeper than before.

I cry and pound my fists against the wall, but this only makes my hands bleed. I cradle them in my lap and sink to the earth, sobbing. The dirt muddies my jeans, but who cares anymore? There is no hope.

A small glint of light near my sneaker makes me look up…and there you are, at the top of the valley. Hope, light, peace, love, everything that is good and Holy seems to seep from your pores and surround you.

You touch a finger to a bud and it immediately blossoms into a radiant flower. You smile at a caterpillar and in a matter of seconds it builds a cocoon and then emerges from it a glorious butterfly.

Words cannot describe how beautiful you are. How simply magnificent and radiant and stunning a being as you. Before this moment, I did not know beauty. I thought I did. Ignorantly. Stupidly. I believed I had seen beauty. But I had not even glimpsed it.

My breath hitches in my throat as you motion to me. Me. To stand up.

I do so, still cradling my bleeding hands.

You make a sweeping gesture with your arms; my hands seem to glow before heeling themselves, looking healthy and better than before my injury.

You lower an arm towards me and stairs appear before you, leading down and ending at my feet. You want me to go to you.

I put my feet on the first step and the word ‘jealousy’ appears on it. I take a second step and this one says ‘deceit’. I gasp when I look back and see that the ‘jealousy’ step has disappeared, leaving only air.

The third step reveals ‘lies’, and a glance back shows me that ‘deceit’ is gone as well, once again leaving only air.

I try to step backwards. “You’re going to fall.” Your mouth moves but the words seem to come from the wind, the rustling of the leaves on trees, and from the warmth of the sun on my skin.

“But I don’t like this!” I shout at you. “I have so many faults! You are so perfect!” Humiliation seeps through me. “And I’m not.” I whisper the last words, though I know you can still hear them.

“Let me help you.” You open your arms, welcoming me.

I sniff and rub my nose, considering the offer. “What do I have to do?”

“Let me forgive you. Let me comfort you. Surrender yourself to me. Let me love you.”

Such simple words with such a deep meaning. I take another step ‘hate’ and another ‘lust’. The words blur beneath my feet as I race up the stairs, but you never seem to get any closer.

“Let go.” The words shiver up my spine.

“I’m sorry.” I stop on a step labeled ‘vanity’. “Please,” I throw my arms out to my sides. “Forgive me! I have sinned! I’m so so sorry! I give this all to you! My heart, my body, my soul, everything!” I whisper the last word to my shoes. “Everything.”

I look up and I’m standing right in front of you. “I love you.” I look directly into your eyes. “Forever.”

“All is forgiven.” You wrap your arms around me in the most comforting embrace. “Forever.”

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If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

-1 John 1: 8-10

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  that he lavished on us...

-Ephesians 1: 7-8