My past is constantly reminding me that reality isn't exactly "real". It may not make any sense to you, and it doesn't make any sense to I. But I'm fully, and utterly aware that nothing is everything, and everything.. Is nothing.
I felt like I was going to vomit. "Get off of me." I groaned, wiggling around uncomfortably.
But instead of there being a release of pressure on top of me, it intensified. Carson grabbed my arms and slammed them above my head, my heart skipping a beat.
"What did you do with Allen." He spoke calmly, squeezing my arms a little tight. The same eyes I adored so much, lacked obvious emotion. But I wouldn't give him what he wanted.. Fear.
"We fucked. Is that what you wanna hear? We did nothing. We went off, got some coffee, and he walked me home. That was it. Now get off of me. Right now."
He acted as if he was pondering whether to release me or not, but alas, I already knew he would by the way I projected my voice.
My arms were freed, and I sat up on the bed. "I'm not a victim." I spat at him, getting up from the bed and dragging the bed sheets with me. "It gets cold in the guest room."
A rather asshole-ish move, but he deserved it after that little stunt. But my own payback was being lonely in the guest room. Sleeping seemed impossible, and tomorrow would be a day important to what family I have.
Tomorrow morning.
It seemed like I had gotten no sleep whatsoever. I had heard Carson rise, shower, do his little exercise routine, flirt with a lawyer on the phone, and leave for work.
My body.. Felt lifeless. Limp. Cold. I might as well be considered dead. Nothing could describe my feelings, and if I tried describing, my words would be gut wrenchingly disgusting.
Today is the day I would be baptized, cleansed of sin and reborn into the world. It's ironic, being the way that I am, and still being able to receive 'God's love'.
The entire house was mine, and I had a special white dress that my sister had given me to be baptized in. The dress originally belonged to our mother, but since her murder, we kept the piece of clothing locked up for this special day.
A piece of me was inside of that dress, just the very touch of it could give me goosebumps. Like flesh on flesh. My mother..
I didn't tell Carson about me getting baptized, and I know if he was to find out, he'd be pretty upset. We try to keep our relationship open, but in many ways, we don't know each other as much as we think we do. Maybe not at all, I honestly don't know.
Rising up from the bed, I forced myself to get myself together and get dressed in the little, white teacup dress. Perfect fit.
I wore no makeup, seeing as though it would be pointless to since I'd be getting dunked in water. My hair was pulled up into a sleek bun, and I prayed it wouldn't come loose from the water.
Waiting patiently on Carson's couch, I was anticipating my sister, Priscilla, to knock on the door to take me down to the Baptist church she attends. I'm not religious at all, but I wanted to make her proud, and it'd make my mum even prouder.
A knock on the door startled me, and I quickly jumped up to open the door to greet my sister. She was absolutely beautiful, stunning. She wore white as well, a tight dress that hugged her curves in the right places. Her dark brown hair was curly, falling down just above her breasts. Her melaninated skin was glowing, and I found myself feeling jealous. Childhood feelings.
No matter what I wore, what I did, how I spoke, I would never be better than my older sister.
"You look lovely." She smiled, her pearly white teeth blinding me a little. Her voice was smooth and soothing, like the wind on a rainy night. I frantically pushed past her, embarrassed that I was really related to her. I was embarrassed for her.
My sister was an uptown accountant, making thousands by the hour. She even had a lunch-in and business offer with Donald Trump, but I'm guessing he only wanted physical business, if you know what I mean.
The caride to the church seemed endless, watching old women pass by on the streets, dressed in bright, pastel clothing in preparation for Sunday church.
My sister parked the car in the back of the church, and that's when I started to get butterflies. I'm not sure why, but I just felt odd. Out of place, almost.
"My baby sister! Getting baptized! Oh, mum would be so proud of you sweetie pie!" Priscillia screamed into my ear while holding me in a tight embrace. She smelled like every perfume store you've ever been to, and the smell made me gag a little. "Ah.. I'm sure she would." I opened up the car door, dying to get away from the smell of so many perfumes mixing together. The fresh air served as an instant anxiety killer, and I shut the the door behind me.
"We're right on time, Mill. I'm just so excited I can't contain myself!" She continued to scream like a child on Christmas day, jumping out of the car and grabbing onto my arm to drag me into the large, brick church.
I insisted to be baptised in a back room, away from the church, and away from my damned sister. The pastor lead me back into the dark room, a small pool in the center of it. He carefully held my hand, helping me step into the water. First my ankles, and as I bended down to sit in the water, my body temperature completely dropped. Ice cold water.
The priest stepped in after me and placed a hand on my lower back, laying me down on my back to float. An old, white man with deep set wrinkles, and a strong American accent. He went on to say whatever, but I wasn't really listening.
My eyes were void, and I stared up at the plain white ceiling of the room, the blue water reflected on it. The more the priest spoke, the more I began to lose myself in my mind. I could no longer hear what he was saying to me, and it felt like I no longer had a pulse.
"You are vile." I thought to myself. "The blood on your hands, it could never be washed away. You are your own demise and destruction."
"No." I responded to myself within my thoughts, suddenly being completely submerged in the chlorine infested water. My eyes were still open, and yet I couldn't' see anything. Not the priest, not the water. Nothing.
"May God bless you, Amen."
I was suddenly standing back up, and the baptism was over. Just what the hell happened?
