Losing Faith

I cry myself to sleep at night, tired of this pointless life, wanting it all to end.
I wake up feeling empty, lost, hopeless, broken.
I am slowly losing faith and not only in myself but in god.
I pray to heaven up above save me from this life, forgive me and my family of our sins. Protect us, and give me peace tonight so I may sleep.
But God never answers me!
"Save me!" I cry out "Make me whole again, let me know you hear my cry"
God doesn't answer. And I go to sleep again weeping till I fall into a endless nightmare called sleep.
In my dreams evil rains down in the form of spilled blood to my enemies from my hands.
I use angry and hate to kill, murder, and rip apart my enemie. that enemie being me!
Soon I wake up after what seemed to be years of endless torture. Only to see the torture continues, and the so called sleep leaves bags under my eyes.
I pray to God " please save me!!! End this continuous suffering! And please save my brothers protect them save us." No answer, why must you let this continue if you love us?

I feel numb to the point where speaking is no longer an option, only silence will do me justice.
The only thing that let's me know that I am alive is when I take a cold metal blade to my skin.
With the blade in my hands I control this situation.... no one else.
I feel dead but the blood tells me I'm living.
This may sound messed up and even make me sound crazy. But when we're in a car I sometimes wish that we crash. I pray to God if we do that they leave without a single scratch or bruise. I pray I get the worst of it just to feel the pain and they nothing.
I wish that when the accident happens some how something like glass or some other object that's sharp stabs my leg or arm and not just a single one many.
I yearn for the pain to flood my body and leave me feeling happy even if it's just for a few minutes.

I think sometimes I need help! But what will my family and friends think of me?
Will they understand? will they kick me to the curb? Will I be a burden?
Tonight I cut myself, and I went way to far and if I get caught my family will send me away like they did last time.
Maybe it's for the best!

I will pray to God tonight to forgive me.... because I have sin, I am sin. I will pray for him to please protect my family and forgive them for there sins. Like I do every night.
Then I will lay down to sleep and drift off to a nightmare I will never wake up from!

I love God I praise him.... I will die for him. But I wonder will he ever fix my life and if not mine then please my brothers have done nothing. They are just innocent pawns in this game called life.
I am slowly losing faith...... but yesterday night when I wanted to cut, I cried and the hot tears stained my cheeks as I prayed for a sign. I was willing to do anything  (and still am) to see he's there, that he cares.
I prayed hard and the sign in was looking for was found. I prayed for the sign in my music... to receive it the only way I could through music.
I put in my earphones and put on Pandora, IT was on shuffle so I knew if the sign was real. And a song called WITH OUT YOU by ashes remain.
My prayers were not answered but I got my sign through those words.

I may not always be the best Christian, or understand everything in the bible but I try to learn and love, treat people fair, help people.... and not only for God but for me.
I cry myself to sleep at night, tired of life. Wanting it to end.
I wake up feeling empty, lost, hopeless, broken.
I am slowly losing faith and not only in myself but in god. And I still love him!!!