Broken. Restored.

Broken. Restored. 1.

Anni woke up more isolated than just being alone in a double bed; Joey was often away with work and she'd got used to being by herself in the house. No, this isolation crept into the depths of her soul: she couldn't tell him yet she couldn't not tell him either. She didn't know how to tell him or anyone else for that matter. No words could describe THAT day without the pain and trauma coming back to haunt and overwhelm her all over again. Words could do no justice to how she felt, she wasn't even sure how she felt. Guilty? Petrified? Remorseful? Anxious? Yes she was all of those but so much more. No one would ever understand. How could they? They'd never had to suffer anything like this.

Staring at the plain grey walls as she wandered into the bathroom. The toilet seat creaked as she collapsed onto it, too weak to cry. 'I'll do another one just to make sure' she thought. With trembling fingers she performed the test. Positive. Just like the other 4 she'd done. There was no doubt about it: she was pregnant. At last the clouds of her denial started to lift and she sank into even greater depths of despair. She had to make her decision today. Did she have the strength to go through with the plan? But then did she have the strength to keep it and tell Joey? Tomorrow he would be back and she'd have to tell him the news. But just a simple procedure and it could all be over. No more worry about telling him, about him blaming her and being alone, about his joy while she would just want to sink into the floor. '
'But what if this is the last time I get pregnant?
'No. Not like this. I can't have pa constant reminder of THAT day.'
A glimmer of hope, overshadowed by fear and guilt once more. Yet somehow the fear seemed to give her courage: No matter how hard it is now, it will make tomorrow an easier day. 'He'll be ecstatic: isn't this what we've been waiting for?' Those words made her feel sick to her soul. Not under these circumstances. No. It was set. She would go to the clinic this afternoon and no one would ever know anything had happened.

Her wallowing and scheming was interrupted by a key turning in the lock. Joey!
'Quick! What do I do with all these tests?!' She threw them in the bin as fast as possible. She needed more time.
"Hey Hun! I'm home! They gave me the day off!"
Anni tried her best to sound excited but all she could manage was a weak smile and to force out the words "that's great dear."
He came running up the stairs to her, suddenly she was wrapped up in his embrace, feeling his lips all over her cheek. How she longed for the time that she such moments had thrilled her to the core but right now Joey was the last person she wanted to see. Yet too absorbed up in his own happiness - wrapped in a blanket of clouds, rainbows and love - he didn't notice. Until out the corner of his eye the bin didn't seem in quite it's usual position. Then something inside caught his eye ...
"What's this? Oh Anni, you're going to be a mother?!"
"Yes"
"I always knew we could do it!" She felt his warm lips kiss her again. Anni managed to fein a smile. Yet he knew that expression and that look in her eyes. Suddenly his spell was broken, his happiness evaporated, the blanket unwrapped.
"What's matter?"
"Nothing"
"Isn't this what we've been waiting for?"
"Yeah. I guess"
"So why aren't you excited?"
"I'm just tired is all."
"I guess I'll let you get some rest then."
"OK."

He knew.

But not everything.

Anni climbed back into bed exhausted, head spinning, paralysed by the gripping fear. What on earth was she going to do? Would she ever have the guts to tell him that the new life inside her wasn't his? Remorse tossed her already unstable ship further off course. 'If only I'd not met Brad again that day. If only Joey would have been home again. If only ... If only ... Zzzz ...