The Battle With Myself

Diary One

Dear Diary,

Recently I have been in and out of depression but mostly in depression. Is something wrong with me? I have to deal with all these emotions, by myself. Being bullied for 4 years can affect you a lot, no one knows except my older sister but she only knows that I was bullied, she doesn't know for how long, and what for. Telling them will get them worried.

Everyone has something to deal with, my mum and dad with debts, my sister with her weight (I know that when the family is around her she acts like she is okay, but I know that she isn't she keeps it to herself) my younger sister doesn't have a problem but I can't tell her she is too young to understand she would probably just make fun of me like everyone else. My littlest sister feels lonely and left out, she thinks we hate her when really we don't its just we are all busy we don't have time and my younger sister is older and she thinks that my youngest sister is just a nuisance, so she is left all alone she is better at acting like she is okay then me. For her to have to deal with that by herself is so horrible but I'm too pathetic to do anything. How can I even be called a sister?

I am weak, pathetic, a disappointment. If I can't commit suicide properly how can I even call myself brave? I keep smiling and don't tell anyone, I feel like dying me keeping up all these thoughts and emotions to myself, to them I'm happy quirky Tia. They say being able to do this and to still be alive is brave when really it isn't, it's stupid and what makes it worse is that I couldn't even kill myself I failed at a simple task like that. Every time I try I just stop myself and cry, cry like the little bitch I am. I can't cut myself because I would probably just be bullied for that too.

Short, physcopath, leprechaun, vain, n****, bitch, midget, ling ling some of these names may be funny but they hurt a lot. To know that I'm not worthy enough to be called my own name, to know that compared to everyone else I'm a low life and must be named by them like I'm their slave is painful. Life isn't fair and there isn't anything I can do to change it except to kill myself. But I cant even do that.

I'm sorry I'm not tall

I'm sorry I'm not beautiful

I'm sorry I'm not smart

I'm sorry I have flaws and imperfections

I'm sorry I'm not 100% British

I'm sorry I'm not popular

I'm sorry I'm not rich

I'm sorry I have demons

I'm sorry I can't deal with this

I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

I'm sorry