The Battle With Myself

Diary Three

Dear Diary,

Last night I realised something... I'm so useless and not necessary. I have been close to feeling the love and affection that any normal person does, but close...

close makes you jealous that you can't have the real thing...

close is only the taster...    

close is only a sample...  

close is a tester...         

 close means nothing...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I woke up and felt worthless constantly I go in and out of depression but no one ever notices for some reason I blend into the shadows, I am the cracks hidden in the walls of society. I have eating disorders which I'm trying to overcome it's just hard

I want to be as skinny as the other girls in my school

I want to be one of the people boys take interest in

I want to be noticed

I want to be liked 

I want to feel beautiful...

My family went out to town earlier and while they were gone I felt tempted...tempted to paint my arms crimson with a sharp brush. An so that's what I tried to do but as I ran the blade across my skin all I could think about was what people would think of me if they saw, what they would do, this would be giving them excuses to bully me but no liquid followed the blade as it danced across my skin. How pathetic I can't even cut my skin with a simple blade. I then moved it up to my neck, I was going to do it, I was almost there, I was about to finally leave this cruel place run by corrupt tyrants and souls that contradict themselves and follow those who are corrupt then being easily manipulated to hate those who are different and unique but then, my phone rings. I couldn't finish what my parents had started.

"GET RID OF IT!" my subconscious shouted at me, yelled at me, like it was a command so I texted the person I felt like I could trust T.A. I hadn't justified what the object was or why I needed to get rid of it I just asked "If I gave you something could you dispose of it for me?" her reply was simply "No" I was hoping she would take it away and hopefully rid me of these cursed blades. She is one of the only people I trust with this kind of secret she was the only one who knew one of the thousands of problems that I have but it looks like I couldn't trust her as much as I thought I could I was wrong.

Later I was looking for them desperately I needed to feel something any emotion at all but I couldn't feel anything so I turned to the blades they were like my friends they took all the pain away that has built up inside of me but I couldn't find them. I feeling of loss consumed me as I looked drastically for them. Is this really how far I have fallen. I wore a smile to hide the hurt I'm feeling when I was interrupted by my sister when she left I had found them I wave of relief washed over me as I held them. The blades weren't originally mine I took them from a friend she wanted me to get rid of them for her, that was a bad idea.

All I wanted was to be treated the same as everyone else

All I wanted was to rid myself of these demons

All I wanted was to try and stay strong

All I wanted was to feel free

All I wanted was to be loved

All I wanted was to be wanted

All I wanted was to be happy

How selfish of me...