Through the Smoke

Chapter 6 (Conclusion)

Kaitlyn Amelia Lancaster

February 11, 2008 - April 25, 2014

You're an angel now so soar high above, little one. Your mommies love you and always will.

My index finger traces the angel wings engraved on either side of our daughter's headstone as I kneel before it. Today marks the second anniversary of her ascension to heaven. I prefer to say that rather than her death because it sounds better. Doesn't cause me to hurt any less since either way she isn't here, yet it's the way I'd rather describe her earthly absence.

"Kait, from the moment I learned of your existence I vowed that I would do everything in my power to guarantee yours was a happy, satisfying life filled with more love and care than you knew what to do with," I start, shifting from my knees to a seated position. "Your Mama was blessed with a good childhood. She had--has an awesome set of parents who I adore. We didn't want you to experience even a moment of unhappiness." Swallowing around an emotional lump I absentmindedly rub the base of my now naked ring finger. "I'm all too familiar with unhappiness. It's worse when you're a child because you're dependent on those around you. As a child the best person in my life was a pi--my mother's employer."

A tear sneaking out, I quickly wipe it away. "I'm certain you were happy, but you didn't get to be happy long enough. Six years on this planet isn't enough and what that sorry excuse for a man did to you..." Mouth trembling, I don't bother wiping away additional tears. "If you had to go, if you had to ascend to heaven I wish it were something like a car accident rather than what you had to endure. On the one hand I try not to think about it, but on the other I can't help but to. Your final days...there wasn't any happiness. He took it from you, robbed you of it and I'm so sorry because it was my fault.

"If I'd kept my eyes on you at that park you'd still be here and that will haunt me forever. I'm in therapy, but I don't believe I can ever forgive myself. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Kait. Honestly, if I could trade my life for yours I'd do so in a heartbeat. I believe you've rediscovered happiness in heaven, but you should have had at least eighty years on earth first.

"Do you know you're my greatest accomplishment? Mia would agree with that because you're hers as well. I'm not biased when I say you're the smartest, wittiest, funniest, sweetest little girl that ever was. Perhaps that's why God made you an angel at such a young age because at the tender age of six you were already an incredible young lady."

Leaning forward, I trace her name while recalling the tiny argument Mia and I had when deciding what her surname should be. I originally wanted to hyphenate until she convinced me Vaughn-Lancaster or Lancaster-Vaughn was too long. Mia preferred to give her my last name while I thought of the two it should be hers. She finally convinced me again when she stated that since she was carrying our baby and using her egg that she (at that point we were aware we were having a girl due to the ultrasound not showing a weewee) should legally have my name.

"You know the greatest gifts I've ever been given were people? Four people. First, a guy named Ezra who was...well, I'll just admit it. Ezra was a pimp, yet the nicest pimp you'd ever meet. After him there was a gift named Kelly O'Connor who I met during high school. She was my first love and I was positive she'd be my last, but we broke up about four months after graduating and three years later I met Mia Vaughn, your Mama. And the last most brilliant gift was a sweet little lady by the name of Kaitlyn Lancaster. That particular gift delighted me every single day and I will always cherish the time we had together and look forward to when we're reunited."

Through the tears a smile blooms. "I love you, Kait. Though you're not physically here I shall carry you in my heart. Thank you for being the greatest gift as well as the greatest love of my life."