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AN: Awesome cover up there by @TheOneEesha

I fell to the ground. I knew I was crying even when I couldn't feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. And dripping on my chin. And falling onto the too-big sweatshirt that I'd worn when I thought that night would be a quiet night in. When the biggest thing that ever happened to me was getting asked to Homecoming freshman year.

Now my whole world felt like it was turning upside down.

He was gone. He was really gone. There was no way he would ever come back to me. No way he would beat up another guy that disrespected me or teach me the best ways to sneak out of the house.

But the thought that really floored me, the one that got me, was that I'd never see my brother again.

He'd been taken so quickly, so suddenly I hadn't seen it coming. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to say anything.

He was supposed to be in Florida, on spring break with his college buddies and partying it up. But my parents wouldn't let him go. They thought it was too dangerous. Turns out the most dangerous places are the ones you feel safest in.

I was supposed to be spending my spring break mourning my broken relationship, not my dead brother. My biggest problem was supposed to be what ice cream pint I wanted to eat my feelings from. My tears were supposed to be shed for a cheating jerk, not a cheated life.

Before I knew it, my feet were moving. I pushed away from my parents, who were desperately trying to pull me into a hug. I ran through the swinging double doors my brother was rushed through just hours before. I could see the red of the exit sign through my blurry vision and used it like the north star to guide me outside.

The cool air was refreshing, but I knew that I couldn't stop moving. If I stopped, I would think. If I thought, I would cry. And if I cried, I would fall apart. I couldn't let myself fall apart because I didn't know if there was a way to put myself back together again.

The pavement was slick beneath my feet but I refused to slip. I just flatly refused. It wasn't going to happen because I willed it not to happen.

I decided that was how the world would work from then on. It wouldn't be allowed to make life-altering decisions like killing my brother without my consent. I wouldn't let anything happen if I didn't give it the go. Nothing, nobody, was allowed to do so much as breathe before I said the word. That was the only way I could think of for things to be okay again, so that's how it was going to happen.

"Lane! Wait up!"

No. Not him.

I screamed at the universe, I didn't say it was all right if he showed up now! I didn't okay this!

I whirled around to face him.

His face changed from curiosity to concern and back again when he saw my red, puffy eyes and sniffling nose.

He walked toward me cautiously, as if I was a wild animal that would be scared away if he made any sudden movements. When he reached me, his hands grasped my arms and he stared into my eyes.

I hated it when he did that. I used to love it when we were still together, but he'd messed that up.

It was his fault! Everything was his fault! If he hadn't cheated then we wouldn't have broken up and I would've been the one driving my brother home. My brother would still be alive!

In a fit of rage, I started slamming my fists into his chest. It only served to infuriate me more when he didn't even flinch.

And then, as soon as it came on, the anger washed away and I crumpled in his arms. I hated myself for falling back into his embrace, but I didn't have the strength to go on without it.