I hate myself. I hate myself because today I dreamed of watching my best friend die before my eyes. Today, I dreamt that he was in the floor with a knife inside of his stomach. I dreamt, that I ran towards him and screamed his name. I shouted that he didn't have to do this. With little strength that he had left he raised his bloody hand and touched my cheek, he said he did this for me. I confessed to him that I'm immortal and that I could've made him immortal too, he shook his head and said the most stupid thing I ever heard. I laughed with tears on my eyes. Tears that threatened to come out and make me weak. I dreamt, that an ambulance came in and police took me away, a gun was pointed to my head. And then, it was black.
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My mom took me into a hospital, saying that I was only sleeping and then my heart stopped. Tears were falling. I went to a surgical room were doctors tried to get me back alive, nothing happened. I wasn't brain dead, and my heart wasn't beating. But I could breath, oxygen filled my lungs, and my chest was going up and down, but my heart wasn't beating. I was alive with an non beating heart! I stand up and tell them I'm fine, but they didn't listen! They told me I was dead , that I am dead. That I was dead a few seconds ago. They check my vitals and heart is okay, with a normal pulse and everything, like if nothing happened. Every doctor was afraid, the touched my chest to see if it was beating, but it wasn't. The monitor couldn't lie! I was indeed half dead and half alive!
Half dead. I saw shadows not made out of the sun light, they help and threatened every patients in the hospital. Half alive. I saw what normal people see, people dying and people surviving.
I'm not immortal, but I am half dead and half alive. In my chest there isn't a beating heart, but check my vitals they say I'm fine. I see what people are scared of.
Death
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You know that one time, when the world seems to be against you. I have imagined to be with that person my whole life and now... its gone. I would just live to see the end of this miserable day, and I would've like to see my baby grow strong and healthy, maybe that day will come, maybe it won't. And don't I'm not suicidal, trust me I'm not.
Today, I bought two books. And I found this interesting quote on one of the books, if I remember correctly it said, "Talking to a person wont help if they're suicidal, action makes them react to what is happening around them." You know... So many loves them and they try to give their life away, they're aren't making anyone any favors, they are hurting others.
Life and death have different purposes, life gives gift to death and death keeps them forever. But life doesn't want death to take the gift so suddenly he want him to wait until the time is right. NO ONE should take their own life away!
AN: Hi, well this is just a random thing I was thinking about earlier. and the half dead half alive thing is true, it happened to me years ago. Don't be surprised. Exposing the real me will get me in trouble. So I keep quite of who I really am. About the dream, well that is also true, I had that dream years ago with the same person, back then I didn't know who he was but know I can't take him out of my life. I had the same dream today... Don't freak out about this, please!
